Asides

I Once Was Lost…

Lovers,

I have been introduced to another soul that speaks to my heart. Sabrina Claudio’s soulful ballads are uplifting. Her words in “Confidently Lost” resonates deep within me. How can one be confidently lost? I am confidently lost because I am on a road I have never traveled. At times I find myself wandering when I encounter new parts of the journey.

But I am confident about my path and my purpose. I am purposely leaving some things, people, ways, habits, mindsets, and beliefs behind me. As I look back on this year I see ups and downs, lots of emotional pain, more than most could probably bare because I was forced to face some truth. Truth about myself and how lost I have been most of my life. Running around in circles never finding an end.

But I have finally stopped running! I am standing here facing an uncertain future as I walk out this new journey in 2018. It’s a little scary because I am vulnerable. I have finally opened my heart to love. It’s great and I don’t know what to expect. Which is good because I can be surprised at what it will bring into my path. Expectations can ruin things sometimes. So I am open to where the love leads us.

She says in her song “I am confidently lost, I don’t need you to find me, I don’t need you to define me.” For the first time in my adult life I no longer need a man to define me because I know who I am as a woman and his woman. I am a mature woman who feels 15 years younger than she is. I am invigorated by life, all of it, even the shit that hurts. The pain shapes us and forces us to stand tall. Fortitude!  Which is what it should do. But I won’t allow it to cut off my heart from giving and receiving love.

I desire love in all areas of my life. I don’t want to dwell around people who cannot love life, themselves, and others. The negativity is life draining. So as she says in her song-“Thinking about where I am from If I belong there“- speaks to my decision to separate myself from the negativity.

Although my path is unknown, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am confident that I am not going back to anything I left in 2017. Goodbye heartache, negativity, jealousy, abuse, poverty, homelessness, fake friends, fake family, lies, deceit, selfishness, lack, loneliness, rejection, bondage, barriers, jobs with no purpose, people with no purpose, booty calls, and hiding.

I love you for supporting me over the last few years. This blog has been an evolution and transformation for me. There are bigger things coming from Fedora!!

Fedora Loves You! Peace

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry

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The Phenomenal Booty Call

It’s official. He’s crazy. An old lover came back apologizing for treating me bad, which he did. I recognized an opportunity so I decided to allow him back into my life after a brief hiatus. Daddy told me to always make sure I got what I wanted in any relationship with a man. If you are reading this Daddy, you would be proud of your Goddess.

Do you know he came back with the same game. No difference at all. When I called him on it all he could do was laugh. Lovers to say how embarrassed I was for him is being nice. I am not ashamed to admit that I got hooked up with the wrong man. But there was definitely something in it for me.

He was charming, handsome and the sex was phenomenal. But I know all too well that you can not build anything based on sex. So this time I took my time to see where he was leading.

When he first came back he was very attentive. He did and said all the right things. But it only lasted as long as it took for him to get what he wanted. Me in his bed. Well I was not mad when I left him that night. But he expected that I was going to stay with him, cuddle like we used to. Wrong!!!

Did he really think I hadn’t learned from him before. I had an agenda as well. I wanted sex from him just as much. So I equally used him. I never had any intention on staying. He gave me just what I wanted.

So I pull back and really start pushing him for more time, all the while knowing he can’t fulfill any of it. I am waiting to see how long before the shit hits the fan and he’s had enough.

It did not take long before he was already wanting to get out. Only the fool did not realize that he was being played the whole time. I never had any intention of resuming a relationship with him. Because I already knew the truth.

He is not quite mature enough for a real relationship with me. I knew that when I left him six months ago. This time I watched him. He was uncomfortable, didn’t know his place. He could not figure out where I was because I had changed.

I didn’t bring any bad to him only peace. He told me that I was his peace. But he brought me strife, lies, and chaos. The sad thing here is that he really does love me. But he has no clue what to do about it.

It takes a strong, confident man to love and guide me. That he is not because he still has much growing to do.

I saw him in a picture with his new woman and realized for the first time he really is not all I thought he was. She didn’t really get anything. I made the right call following my spirit six months ago and letting him go.

So today I continue that path as I say goodbye to him for the last time. I will not open this door again not even for the phenomenal booty call. Although I will always love him, I am thankful for my freedom.

The Vow of Love

Lovers,

I am in a great space right now. Peace has found her way into my heart, she pours out to as many who will receive her. Yes. I am at peace within myself and content. Have you ever taken a vow to love?

Why would we need such a vow? We should love freely but sometimes we want more in return. This can sometimes cause ripples in your peace. But they’re necessary at times. The ripples keep us in reality, in our truth. I love naturally but it has cost me over the years. I learned to be more discerning rather than to cut my heart off.

Being mad all the time takes too much energy. I don’t know any angry people who are happy and peaceful. So I choose to love instead of being angry. Yes love is a choice.

This may sound simple but it’s not. I have a few people close to me who I could rightfully be angry with but I chose not to. That doesn’t mean that I allow them to use me or anything. I just choose to focus my energy on positive emotions and not negative outcomes.

I have taken a vow to love all those God allows me to reach. So that is what I will continue to do Lovers!

More to come….

Fedora Loves you. Peace

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry

New Horizons

Lovers,

It’s been a while I know. I have been on a tight schedule. Working hard writing my first book of fiction. It is hard work but I Love It! This is what I was born to do. Write and love. My two favorite things. I do them both very well too.

But Fedora has been working more than loving because I am focused on a goal. There is a new path before me and I want to explore it all. I want to be a published author. I want to love all the people God has blessed me to love unselfishly. But first I have to do this. I have to reach this goal.

I am working hard for my lovers to give more of my love through my words. So look for some new directions with my work. Experience my new passion. I have so much more to give!!!

Fedora Loves you. Peace

Power and Purpose of Pain

Power and Purpose of Pain

My focus recently has been on love and pain. Most of the time I choose not to deal with the pain because pain can be negative. I don’t like to dwell there. But recently I have realized that my avoidance of this topic is exactly what has been keeping me stuck.

I learned the power and purpose of pain. Pain had taken over me and had produced something ugly and scary. I didn’t know who that person was. She was so scared and full of hurt. Then the hurt turned into anger and the anger just kept boiling and boiling but never came to an end. I was stuck in a never-ending cycle. But I had to stop it, so I knew what to do. I reached out and I got help.

God is always there and ready whenever we face things that are bigger than us. All we need to do is reach out and say, “I need help.” God will send help. Help may be found in a friend you can be real with, a counselor, a minister, your parent, etc. It depends on who God sends. But make sure you look for someone you can trust. You can’t handle this on your own. I found my person and I reconnected with God. I allowed Him to show me the path I should be on instead of that path of pain and anger.

When you stay in a place of hurt you allow yourself to become a weapon against another person. When you are being used in that way you can do damage. In some cases, irreversible damage. That struck home with me as I watched an episode of Being Mary Jane when her best friend committed suicide. I’m not saying that it was Mary Jane’s fault or anything. But after she found out about the incident between her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, she refused to talk to her friend. She shut her out. I thought that was a callous thing to do especially when she knew her friend was suicidal.

So sometimes pain will drive us to the point where we cannot help those who are weaker than us because we can’t see past our own hurt and anger enough to see what’s going on with the people around us. We are of no use to anyone when we are in that mode.

I have chosen to live differently and not purposely hurt others because of my own pain. If I find myself stuck and going into that path, I will ask for help because I don’t want to be used as a weapon to hurt people anymore. I know that I may never be perfect and I will probably hurt someone else again. But not in a way that I could have avoided. So, on this new path. I listen. I listen before I respond. I respond according to what I hear. I pay attention more. I deal with my crap and I live in freedom from hurting others because I can’t deal with my own pain.

Pain has another purpose as well. God uses pain to prune us of traits that are damaging to our spiritual and emotional growth. It is often the pain that leads us to a path of healing. We will seek the help we need because we don’t want to hurt anymore. Sometimes it may seem unfortunate that we must hurt so bad just to be set free. But think about the story of Jesus and how much pain he endured to set others free.

Paul had a thorn in his side that God refused to remove because he said his grace was sufficient. The painful thorn was his point of humility. It is what kept him from returning to his old ways. It’s what reminded him of his limitations. I have moments like that. I cannot return to certain situations that I allowed myself to be in before because there is a sensitive spot in my heart that reminds me of what is there should I return to that path.

Now in each scenario pain is used to produce something. But in the latter one it’s not being used as a weapon. But a point of contact, a reminder, it’s just a sore spot. When pain and anger couple together it becomes a powerful weapon that digs in and hurts. It’s not a sore spot, it’s a gaping gash. That is much different. I challenge you today to find your healthy place in the power and purpose of pain. Don’t be a weapon get healed today.