Asides

New Horizons

Lovers,

It’s been a while I know. I have been on a tight schedule. Working hard writing my first book of fiction. It is hard work but I Love It! This is what I was born to do. Write and love. My two favorite things. I do them both very well too.

But Fedora has been working more than loving because I am focused on a goal. There is a new path before me and I want to explore it all. I want to be a published author. I want to love all the people God has blessed me to love unselfishly. But first I have to do this. I have to reach this goal.

I am working hard for my lovers to give more of my love through my words. So look for some new directions with my work. Experience my new passion. I have so much more to give!!!

Fedora Loves you. Peace

Power and Purpose of Pain

Power and Purpose of Pain

My focus recently has been on love and pain. Most of the time I choose not to deal with the pain because pain can be negative. I don’t like to dwell there. But recently I have realized that my avoidance of this topic is exactly what has been keeping me stuck.

I learned the power and purpose of pain. Pain had taken over me and had produced something ugly and scary. I didn’t know who that person was. She was so scared and full of hurt. Then the hurt turned into anger and the anger just kept boiling and boiling but never came to an end. I was stuck in a never-ending cycle. But I had to stop it, so I knew what to do. I reached out and I got help.

God is always there and ready whenever we face things that are bigger than us. All we need to do is reach out and say, “I need help.” God will send help. Help may be found in a friend you can be real with, a counselor, a minister, your parent, etc. It depends on who God sends. But make sure you look for someone you can trust. You can’t handle this on your own. I found my person and I reconnected with God. I allowed Him to show me the path I should be on instead of that path of pain and anger.

When you stay in a place of hurt you allow yourself to become a weapon against another person. When you are being used in that way you can do damage. In some cases, irreversible damage. That struck home with me as I watched an episode of Being Mary Jane when her best friend committed suicide. I’m not saying that it was Mary Jane’s fault or anything. But after she found out about the incident between her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, she refused to talk to her friend. She shut her out. I thought that was a callous thing to do especially when she knew her friend was suicidal.

So sometimes pain will drive us to the point where we cannot help those who are weaker than us because we can’t see past our own hurt and anger enough to see what’s going on with the people around us. We are of no use to anyone when we are in that mode.

I have chosen to live differently and not purposely hurt others because of my own pain. If I find myself stuck and going into that path, I will ask for help because I don’t want to be used as a weapon to hurt people anymore. I know that I may never be perfect and I will probably hurt someone else again. But not in a way that I could have avoided. So, on this new path. I listen. I listen before I respond. I respond according to what I hear. I pay attention more. I deal with my crap and I live in freedom from hurting others because I can’t deal with my own pain.

Pain has another purpose as well. God uses pain to prune us of traits that are damaging to our spiritual and emotional growth. It is often the pain that leads us to a path of healing. We will seek the help we need because we don’t want to hurt anymore. Sometimes it may seem unfortunate that we must hurt so bad just to be set free. But think about the story of Jesus and how much pain he endured to set others free.

Paul had a thorn in his side that God refused to remove because he said his grace was sufficient. The painful thorn was his point of humility. It is what kept him from returning to his old ways. It’s what reminded him of his limitations. I have moments like that. I cannot return to certain situations that I allowed myself to be in before because there is a sensitive spot in my heart that reminds me of what is there should I return to that path.

Now in each scenario pain is used to produce something. But in the latter one it’s not being used as a weapon. But a point of contact, a reminder, it’s just a sore spot. When pain and anger couple together it becomes a powerful weapon that digs in and hurts. It’s not a sore spot, it’s a gaping gash. That is much different. I challenge you today to find your healthy place in the power and purpose of pain. Don’t be a weapon get healed today.

Two Healed Hearts

When love matures it’s so noticeable. One day you realize that you are wearing each other like your favorite familiar skin. That’s not necessarily bad because it means you have entered a higher level of trust. The reality is that not everyone we encounter will gain access to this space. So when there is one there it’s noticeable.

According to Psychology Today mature healthy love:

“Waits, respects, gives the benefit of the doubt, listens, trusts, cares, accepts, takes pleasure in the successes and joys of the other, accepts love without question of motive or condition, forgives, lets go when necessary, says goodbye…but not perfectly and not always. (Smith, 2012)”

What I find amazing is that this corresponds with a Bible verse on love. I know many are so quick to discredit the Bible but it really does contain some truths to living in freedom.

“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end (2 Corinthians `13:3-7, MSG).”

This is a sweet time in your journey because you feel free to be your silly self without reproach, to kiss each other with morning breath and not get slapped. Yes moments where you realize you love all of them. So what do you do when you get here?

You love unconditionally, that’s what you do. You don’t condemn because they are less than perfect. All the men in my life have abandoned me emotionally and physically. Starting with the first man, my father. He died and never made amends. I never heard his story. I only know bits and pieces of it.

But parents you should know that it’s important for your children to hear your story. All of it even the bad parts. It will bring healing and understanding to them. We have so many generational curses that are upon us. Especially as black people. Our struggle is not only to exist but to also find out who we are. Our identity was stolen hundreds of years ago. Our families inherited the anger and defeat of many of our ancestors.

But today the Spirit stood up and said this family will be free. We will start anew and create a new legacy in both love, spirit, and relationships. Our children will not endure what we had to, they will experience true freedom and give it to their children.

Today I love and am loved completely. My heart, yes that’s what I call him, he takes care of me. God confirmed for me this morning that my heart will not abandon me. He is not like the others. I unconsciously attracted those who were similar to my father but not this time.

This is a fresh spirit, that gives back to me. That sustains me through our connection, which is our love. I will always be there he is saying and I will allow you is my response. Love and healing, an awesome combination.

Smith, A. (2012, November 15). Secrets to a strong, successful relationship. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201211/secrets-strong-successful-relationship

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry

 

Starting New

Recently God  broke some things up in my life. It was good though because I grew from the experiences. I closed some doors that should’ve been closed years ago. It was refreshing and empowering.

Did I tell you that I am afraid of love? Yes, I have been for most of my adulthood. I have been hurt a lot and decided it was safer not to trust my heart to a man. I am saddened by the number of men in this world who do not value women. The ones who are hurt and unloved use women as sex toys, bed warmers, friends with benefits etc. Whatever term you use to describe how they steal our virtue with no intentions of giving anything back to us. They use us, our bodies, and our benefits leaving us empty and depleted.

When I realized this pattern in my life, I took steps to take myself out of this cycle. I cannot fix the men but I can allow God to help me fix myself. First, I stopped giving away my virtue. I became celibate. I began to recognize the men who only wanted to use me and stayed away from them. I also paid attention to find out why some of them did it. (That’s another post, I promise)

 

I wrote a poem a few years ago about how men have wanted me but never cherished me just because they love me. I was presented with this love I have never known before. Guess what I almost ran away. Yeah, I know. Chicken. I finally meet a man who loves me the woman not just my body. He calls me beautiful each time I am in his presence. As he kisses me, his eyes show how much he feels for me.

This is refreshing but do you know what the most empowering experience was for me  recently? Looking at myself and falling in love with myself again. I love this woman! I love her more than he does.

I want to encourage all people not just women to understand the importance of loving yourself. You have to be able to embrace the good and bad things about yourself. As you allow God to show you the less than perfect you. Open your heart and also allow him to show you how to heal in that area so that you can be the best person you can.

Remember that perfection is not attainable but if we chase perfection we will catch excellence. You may never be perfect but you will excel as you travel the path to purpose and you will purposely give the best parts of yourself to others.

Facing Fears

Lovers,

I almost crashed and burned but I survived. That’s how the fear feels when you are bombarded with anxious thoughts. It’s no secret lovers that I am afraid of love. There I said it. Was is that bad? No, but it was liberating. So, for once instead of running away from my heart, I decided to run towards him. Still scared yes, but more scared of not experiencing our love.

So, facing my fears has forced me to crush the pain in my heart from old wounds. Allowing new love to burst its way into my being once again. It’s scary, its beautiful, its life and I love it!

It starts today! Make your declaration!

Hear their words in the song:

So sick of trying
So tired of lying
Past the point of dying
No compromising
And that fire we had girl just couldn’t survive the rain
Heard the weather man telling us that it was gonna shower some pain[Hook:]
Sometimes we want to work so bad we stay too long
Then too long turns to too much
Cuz too much’s how two hearts crushSometimes it gets too much
A lot of everything but no love
Just too much
That’s how two hearts crush

Arguing about everything
And having sex just to make me happy
Our folks think we got everything
But they don’t know that we so unhappy
Every time I hear a love song on the radio
I think of what we used to have but ain’t got no more
Like that fire we had girl just couldn’t survive the rain
Heard the weather man telling us that it was gonna shower some pain

[Hook:]
Sometimes we want to work so bad we stay too long
Then too long turns to too much
Cuz too much is how two hearts crush

Sometimes it gets too much
A lot of everything but no love
Just too much
That’s how two hearts crush

[x2]
I swear it feel like pain got a thang for me
It’s like love want me to be in pain and want me to leave
I swear it feel like pain got a thang for me
It’s like love want me to be in pain and want me to leave

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry. Facing Fears