Do we have committed relationships with every person we love? That is a big question. There are many different types of love but for the purpose of this piece I am referring to the love between a man and a woman. I stated before that I love two men right now in different ways. One is a sexually intimate relationship, which brings about all types of emotional connections and the other is truly a friendship with a strong emotional bond. But when considering love and commitment, how do you determine if the love you feel can sustain a committed relationship.
Love is a choice
The biggest thing to consider is that love is a choice. The emotions come without much effort, it is a natural connection between two that is unmistakable. But it needs to be nurtured and fed in order for it to grow and fulfill the beloved. Sexual intimacy is one way to nurture love but should not be the sole way. As we are not always able to be sexually intimate and all of us will grow older one day thus placing severe limitations on sexual intimacy. Therefore love should be displayed in other ways as well through the course of a of a relationship.
How is love nurtured
According to Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages there are other ways people say “I love you” and each person has a different love language. The five areas are:
Words of Affirmation – may include verbal praise and encouragement, kindness, saying thank you, compliments, notes, emails, and letters.
Quality Time – may include having undivided attention, spending time together, planning activities and outings, and engaging in quality conversations that may allow you to get into the head of your lover thus deepening intimacy.
Gifts – may include visual symbols of love, can be as small as a cup of coffee, roses, candy, and perhaps a card. The thought is what is most important not the size or cost of the gift.
Acts of Service – may include doing things for others or having them help you out, such as cooking you dinner, giving you a massage, washing your car etc.
Physical Touch – may include giving pats on the back, hugs, a kiss on the cheek, holding hands, or basically any skin to skin contact.
For couples it requires time and attention to understand each other’s love language. One person can be feeling completely fulfilled while the other is feeling neglected. It is easy to get wrapped up into life and ourselves and forget to nurture those close to you.
When I love I give a lot but many times I don’t feel as though I receive as much as I need in return. I don’t love to receive anything back but love is a two-way street. Perhaps I have not communicated my love language directly to my significant other. They don’t always know you automatically. Maintaining a relationship is work and it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes a time.
What is your love language?
My Love Language
I generally find that I am moved by words, acts of service, and physical touch. I feel loved the most when it is shown in this way, which is probably why I am not feeling much love in return from my lover or perhaps it’s not love at all. Maybe I am caught in a world wind of infatuation. Infatuation of course does not last. It eventually wears off as the reality of the relationship begins to set in. It is at this point when a couple finds out whether what they have can sustain them for a lifetime. Which is precisely the moment Elizabeth has in 9 ½ weeks when she is crying under the stairs. She realizes that while she is totally engrossed with her lover perhaps even loves him what they have will not sustain them in a committed relationship. It took me years to understand that scene. But finally I do.
We feel things for many people and I realized this week that if I had married every man I “had feelings” for then I would be at least a five-time divorcee. I say this because it is crucial to examine relationships to determine whether the love is real and strong enough to weather the lifetime commitment of marriage.
Fedora loves you. Peace
 Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing, 1995
I have been silent for a few weeks. I have been very busy. I am in transition right now. It started out kind of hard for me to adjust to because I don’t really want to be in this space right now. But God has a way making things happen. So here I am moving forward not really sure where I am going but at least I am moving.
My best friend said she wanted to be like me when she grew up because men fall in love with me. It all looks so glamorous from the outside, but she doesn’t know how much it costs me to have these connections, to be vulnerable for the benefit of someone else. To not be able to fulfill what I need and desire because my first priority is them and their purpose. To always love the difficult ones and focus on their heart rather than their flaws. Agape love is not easy, it hurts but it heals too.
I don’t know him, but I love him. How is that? How do you love the persona of someone, their words, their pictures, and their gestures? I have only seen glimpses of him on camera. The most physical interaction was him blowing me a kiss. He hides himself from the world, from me. He has talked to me on the phone a few times. Which I truly enjoy, but I want to see him. We have a soul connection. He told me that I am his best friend and that I know him better than most people, which is true. But still I often wonder what it would be like for us to connect physically.
But now I love another. Only this time it has progressed farther than agape love. I am in love with him. I am intimate with him physically. He touches a part of me that hasn’t had attention for many years. He makes me want to be his totally my mind, body and soul. He makes me want to be taken care of by him. It is different than the love I feel for my long distance friend. He has spoiled my body for him only since he touched me. I have not allowed anyone else to get that close. He occupies my mind the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing of at night.
Despite all of the men who love and want me, I go to bed alone every night. Now there is no need to be sad, because this is by choice. But I still have this emptiness inside me at times. But I know that can only be fulfilled by God. That space is reserved for him. This is the side she doesn’t get to see, when I cry at night because I am alone. It doesn’t happen often but sometimes it does creep up on me. Agape love requires that you love despite how you feel, despite what is done to you and despite whether it is returned. This is how God loves us and how he expects us to love each other. Now this is only one part of love, but it is a foundational love that should exist in all of your intimate relationships.
I never regret loving anyone even when they hurt or disappoint me. It is easy to get angry and say goodbye but harder to say I love you when you are in the midst of the disappointment. I had to do that many times. I am not dismissing my feelings of disappointment. I am simply deciding not to allow them to override the love in my heart. Love is a choice we make every day. I choose to love rather than be angry or sad.
Going through a transition is like giving birth. You start out with an idea of how things will be because you can’t see anything yet. I set out on a journey nine months ago. I wasn’t sure of what I was trying to accomplish but I knew that things as they existed then had to change. In case you are wondering yes it involved relationships.
See I had problems choosing men and then would not always let go when I needed to. I let someone go nine months ago and I set out on a journey to rediscover myself, my desires, and my purpose. I don’t trust a man with my heart. Simply because the one’s I submitted to in love trampled on me, used me, and abandoned me. Oh don’t feel sorry for me. It helped me to become the woman I am today.
So over the course of nine months I have learned how to be friends with a man. I have learned that there really are some real men of substance in this world and how to recognize them. I learned that I attract men based upon how I see myself. If I feel unworthy then I may attract a man who has a similar trait who in turn would never see my worth. Boy I repeated this one several times. But now I know my worth and attract men who recognize it as well.
I still had some men who tried to attach themselves to me who did not see my worth. But I quickly cut things off. Yes I hesitated but I did it. It was so great, so empowering. I am ready now to embark on my next journey.
I am ready to submit in love to my king, whomever he is. I am scared yes. But when is transition not scary? It’s like diving out in the abyss, you don’t know what’s down there but you jump anyway. I am diving knowing that God is holding my legs all the way, ready to pull me back to his safety if necessary.