Tag Archives: transformation

Angels Are Hard to Love

I sat across from him at the table. He is so handsome, just like when I first met him almost 30 years ago. His light touch of gray lends to his distinguished look. So sexy. I shook my head because he is so sexy but also such an angelic spirit at times.

“Okay. Let’s focus.” I say to myself.

“What did you want to know?” He asks. He was always direct. Respected that about him. Except when it came to his heart. That was always indirect.

“I wanted to know how you are and how that relates to me?” I answered.

From this point on he begins to dig deep inside himself and tell me how he really is. He doesn’t look directly at me instead he directs his gaze to his right as he speaks. But I am looking directly at him. I know he is speaking truth because the last time he confessed his truth to me he did the same thing. He averted my eyes and spoke from his soul. That one was a huge one too. So, I anxiously await his words.

“My current relationship is over and we are separating in the next three months. She says I am selfish. I stopped cheating for her. She agreed to allow me to have her any way and anytime I wanted sexually so there was no need for other women. I stayed with her only. You know that is not my norm?” He says.

“Yes, I know that.” I reply.

“She is not submissive, she doesn’t take care of me, doesn’t want to cuddle, and won’t cook. I don’t understand why she just won’t love me. I don’t hang out in the street. I go to work and I come home to her. But she complains that I crowd her.” He says. I hear the pain in his voice as he speaks.

My mind immediately goes to our past relationship and how he never would love me that way. I knew it was in him to love that way but he always kept me at such a distance. I remember a time when I would do anything for him. All I wanted to do was love him so I gave myself to him completely especially sexually. I go to that place in my mind…

I stood in front of him to satisfy his visual pleasure. My black thigh high fishnets gripped the curves of my plump legs. The top rustled a little from the fullness of my thighs, as the garter clip tightened the grip. He loved the red garter and bra set. Of course, no panties was always the rule. My pussy glistened from the oil and moisture.

“What do you want baby?” I asked seductively.

“You on my lap.” He said.

I walked over towards him but stopped a few steps in front of him. I put my right foot on the table. Slowly I rubbed my fingers across my rock-hard clit. I moaned when they made contact. I maintained eye contact with him as I slipped my fingers inside my wet hole collecting all the cum. Then I took my fingers out and put them in his mouth. He licked them clean. Then pulled me to him.

I straddled him. His dick stood erect like the monument. I had to take my time. I slowly lowered my wet pussy on his head. Teased a little, only allowing the head to enter. He grabbed my hips. I motioned No. He loosened his grip. I continued to make love to his head. I felt the rush of cum from inside me. I submerged myself on him completely just as the orgasm hit me.

“Ooohhhh!!!!” I screamed.

The orgasm was intense and I began a steady stroke allowing him to feel all of my heat. I stroked him hard and fast gasping each time he hit the top of my pelvis. I took all of him inside me.

“You’re so fucking beautiful!” He said as he pulled my face to his.

He kissed me while I continued to ride him. We got lost in a momentum of kisses, humps, bumps and pulls. We rode together this way until he released the waterfall inside me. I collapsed on him, spent from the emotional, spiritual and physical energies we exchanged.

It was always that easy to get lost in each other. He continues to tell me about his previous marriage and how she went fatal attraction on him because she found out he was cheating. It sounded ugly. Thing is, I remember when he was dating her. He pushed me away just to be with her. Kept telling me I was only his friend, although he would melt just from me touching his hand. Who was he trying to convince me or himself?

I continue to listen. Now he is talking about how he doesn’t want to do this again. He wants to live alone for a while. He needs to reconnect with God but doesn’t really know what that looks like. I see the confusion on his face. As I listen I am reminded of the many years I was always so conveniently there after every break up. Always his ride or die. Until I crashed one day and I found myself alone. He wasn’t there for me.

I always knew he was in love with me but he was also fearful of our love and would not allow himself to bask in it. So, he kept me away from him a lot especially when he his heart was tender for me. But loving him on and off like this for almost 30-years had taken its toll on me. That’s why when he called, I suggested that we talk first. I don’t have time to pour into empty barrels anymore. No need to stir up things if there is nowhere to go.

“I wanted to know if we could do the same things we used to do? I didn’t know if you were in a relationship or even active anymore.” He asks.

Once again so direct. He wants the same thing. I remember him telling me that one of his fondest moments between us was the first time we were sexual. He was amazed at how wet my pussy was and that it soaked my panties. Thing is, I don’t even remember that night almost 30-years ago. But his directness is much appreciated today.

“No baby. I have grown so much since you saw me. I give myself to those who want all of me. I am a package deal now. When I wanted to love you, you rejected me every time and dumped me for the latest and greatest. Now you come and want me to do the same. I stopped loving you years ago. I love myself now.” I respond.

I am not angry, surprisingly not hurt either. I didn’t allow my heart to hope this time because well I know him. As I was talking I had an epiphany. I realized that I have always been his 30-year fling but he was always my love.

Location (Remix) by Khalid ft. Lil Wayne and Kehlani

[Lil Wayne:]
Remix, baby, yeah

I meet you at the spot, send the location
I don’t do this a lot, special occasion
I know you ain’t a thottie, you ain’t no basic
I turn your dry spot to an oasis
I kiss the right spots, I know all the places
Oh I lick the right spots, that’s an ultimatum
The loud in rotation, cloud 9, floatation
Let the rose petals spread like rotation
I know your ex to blame for your cold nature
Tell him stay in his lane, stop the road ragin’
And now I got you in here makin’ those faces
Runnin’ ’round the bedroom like four bases, moolah!

[Khalid:]
Send me your location, let’s
Focus on communicating
‘Cause I just need the time and place to come through (place to come through)
Send me your location
Let’s ride the vibrations
I don’t need nothing else but you

At times I wonder why I fool with you
But this is new to me, this is new to you
Initially, I didn’t wanna fall for you
Gather my attention it was all for you, so don’t
Take advantage, don’t leave my heart damaged
To understand that things go a little bit better when you plan it… oh
So won’t you

Send me your location, let’s
Focus on communicating
‘Cause I just need the time and place to come through
Send me your location
Let’s ride the vibrations
I don’t need nothing else but you

[Kehlani:]
Drop me a pin, let’s fall
Way deeper into whatever we’re callin’ it
Whatever we’re fallin’ into
‘Cause I don’t really care about rules
I don’t really care about rules
I just really care about you
I’m enjoyin’ starin’ into
Your eyes when I’m all in it with you
They can choose to watch, but I’d rather they just listen
Could fill up an album with everything that they’re missin’
They so superficial, don’t understand how we’re chillin’
We don’t need a lot, we got us and that’s why we’re winnin’
To them it’s a park bench, us a magic carpet
Little trips to Target turn to avant garde shit
I promise, we got this, we got this
Baby just send me your

[Khalid {Kehlani}:]
Send me your location, let’s
Focus on communicating
‘Cause I just need the time and place to come through (place to come through)
{Time and place to come through}
Send me your location
Let’s ride the vibrations
I don’t need nothing else but you
{Nothing else, but you}

[Khalid {Kehlani}:]
Ride, ride, ride, come and vibe with me tonight
{Ride, ride}
I don’t need nothing else but you
(I don’t need nothing else but you)
Ride, ride, ride, come and vibe with me tonight
{Ride, ride… tonight}
I don’t need nothing else but you
{But you, but you}
Nothing else but you
{But you}
[Lil Wayne:] Remix, baby
[Khalid {Kehlani}:]
Do, do, do, do, do, do
{Do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do}
Oh, oh, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, mmm, mmm, mmm
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
{Do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do}
I don’t need nothing else but you

Writer(s): Khalid Robinson, Joshua Scruggs, Samuel Jiminez, Olatunji Ige, Alfredo Gonzalez, Bajram Kurti

Love Among Thorns

I love you
Despite your brokenness
Despite that you have
Torn my heart apart

I love you
Because you deserve
Love just like I do
Embrace my love

As you move forward
Do your best to break free
From the things that
Broke you in the first place

Strive to be a person
Who heals
Instead of hurts
Love yourself
Unconditionally
As God does

I love you
Among your thorns
I delight in your fruit
Born from our love

Two Healed Hearts

When love matures it’s so noticeable. One day you realize that you are wearing each other like your favorite familiar skin. That’s not necessarily bad because it means you have entered a higher level of trust. The reality is that not everyone we encounter will gain access to this space. So when there is one there it’s noticeable.

According to Psychology Today mature healthy love:

“Waits, respects, gives the benefit of the doubt, listens, trusts, cares, accepts, takes pleasure in the successes and joys of the other, accepts love without question of motive or condition, forgives, lets go when necessary, says goodbye…but not perfectly and not always. (Smith, 2012)”

What I find amazing is that this corresponds with a Bible verse on love. I know many are so quick to discredit the Bible but it really does contain some truths to living in freedom.

“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end (2 Corinthians `13:3-7, MSG).”

This is a sweet time in your journey because you feel free to be your silly self without reproach, to kiss each other with morning breath and not get slapped. Yes moments where you realize you love all of them. So what do you do when you get here?

You love unconditionally, that’s what you do. You don’t condemn because they are less than perfect. All the men in my life have abandoned me emotionally and physically. Starting with the first man, my father. He died and never made amends. I never heard his story. I only know bits and pieces of it.

But parents you should know that it’s important for your children to hear your story. All of it even the bad parts. It will bring healing and understanding to them. We have so many generational curses that are upon us. Especially as black people. Our struggle is not only to exist but to also find out who we are. Our identity was stolen hundreds of years ago. Our families inherited the anger and defeat of many of our ancestors.

But today the Spirit stood up and said this family will be free. We will start anew and create a new legacy in both love, spirit, and relationships. Our children will not endure what we had to, they will experience true freedom and give it to their children.

Today I love and am loved completely. My heart, yes that’s what I call him, he takes care of me. God confirmed for me this morning that my heart will not abandon me. He is not like the others. I unconsciously attracted those who were similar to my father but not this time.

This is a fresh spirit, that gives back to me. That sustains me through our connection, which is our love. I will always be there he is saying and I will allow you is my response. Love and healing, an awesome combination.

Smith, A. (2012, November 15). Secrets to a strong, successful relationship. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201211/secrets-strong-successful-relationship

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry