Butter realized that she really needed to do some serious self-reflecting before making a decision that would affect everything in her life. She sat down at the dressing table and stared intently at her reflection.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked herself.
“I am looking at you because you look different.” Calor responded.
“No, I don’t I am you, the same person.” She said.
“We have the same face, the same features, and the same smile but there is something different in the eyes. You look sad all the time.” Calor stated.
“I do not.” She insisted.
“Yes you do. You are retreating back to that scared little girl. You know the one who cried under the covers, while covering her ears to muffle out the sounds.” Calor taunted.
“What are you talking about Calor? I know who I am!” She yelled.
“You thought you did. Look you don’t even know your name. That’s her name, the little girl who allows fear to rule her life. Poor Butter scared of everything and everybody, especially men.” Calor said.
“I’m not scared of men. I have plenty of men in my life.” She insisted.
“Sure the ones you consider to be ‘safe’ that you try to control, that is if you call them men.” Calor laughed.
“Hmm you don’t know what you are talking about.” Butter said as she rolled her eyes at her reflection.
“Okay well what about your current boyfriend who relies on you for everything. He could not find his way out of a paper bag without you holding his hand. He cannot take care of you the way you really need and deserve yet you continue to hold on to him like you are so desperate.” Calor said.
“I am not desperate, he loves me and I love him.” She responded.
“It is time for you to find a real man, who can uplift you. Give you what you need instead of you always giving to them and not getting anything back. Look at you, you are tired and worn out. A real man would not run you into the ground like that. Badger you all the time and call you twenty times a day to say nothing because he has nothing to do. But this is what you call love.” Calor continued.
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear any more of this!” She yelled at herself.
“Oh you are going to listen because I am tired of this shit! I don’t want to do this anymore. I want my freedom. I want to be able to love and be loved by a real man. Not a little boy. So you are going to listen because it is time for you to face your fears.” Calor insisted.
“No!” She yelled.
“You tell yourself that you are a real woman and you know what you want but you play yourself down. You hide your true beauty and the best things about yourself behind the masks of fear. You tell yourself that you are happy but deep down in your heart you are yearning for more. Not just from the men but from yourself. You are unfulfilled and you lie to keep up the charade.” Calor continued.
“Stop it! I don’t do that.” She yelled covering her ears with her hands.
“Yes you do. You allowed yourself to gain an extra 40 lbs so that your shape would be different and men would not find you attractive. You stopped taking the time to pamper yourself and make yourself sexy because you don’t feel it anymore. You look in the mirror see that scared little girl and no way to get out of that scary existence. No way to make the noises stop, the voices are so loud that keep telling you that you will never measure up. They remind you of the fighting, the shouting, the touching, and the lack of love that surrounded your life as a child.” Calor said.
“I was loved, what do you mean by that?” Butter look astonished.
“Yeah in whose home did you group up? The one we were in was full of hate, fear, and selfishness. No love emanated from within those walls. That is why you don’t love yourself. You don’t know how to love. You don’t recognize love and still believe that it is a myth.” Calor said.
(Sniff, Sniff) The tears are rolling down her cheek.
“Why are you crying if none of this is true? It is time that you faced the truth. What is that saying? Oh yeah the truth shall set you free. That is what you need to do. You need to face the truth about who you are and stop living this damn lie.” Calor said.
“I don’t know how. This is all I know. I don’t even know where to start.” She replied.
“You can start by recognizing me. Hello I am Calor and I am the woman who is screaming to come out of you. I am sexy, bold, and beautiful.”
“I don’t know anything about those things.” She said.
“Yes you do, I have always been here. I was almost freed one time many years ago before you got married. But after that fiasco, I was buried, never to be heard of again.” Calor said.
“So how did you get out now?” She asked.
“Do you remember that man you met a few months ago who spoke all of those things to you about how beautiful you were and how he really wanted you. You remember the one you ran away from because you thought he was crazy, saying those things to you. He wanted to spoil you and take you out but you said no.” Calor said.
“Yes, I remember him. I was scared of him and thought he was going to hurt me. They all do you know. They say they want me but when they get me they tie me up and put me in a box. Then they treat me like I am their possession instead of their woman.” She said.
“Well he was real and I saw it, so I started clawing my way to surface. He would not give up easily and every time you had an encounter with him, I came up a little more. But now that I am back, I am not leaving. You will acknowledge me because I am you.” Calor said.
“But what do I do, how do I become you? I am so confused.” She asked.
“Oh baby you were always me and I was always you. Those demons pushed and pushed so hard until I was buried so far that you never remembered that I existed. But look at me, look into my eyes. Don’t you recognize that glimmer, the passion?” Calor said.
“Yes, I do remember seeing that before. I was passionate about many things but I settled for what I could get instead of going after those things.” She replied.
“Yes, I know but you don’t have to do that anymore. Allow me to come out and watch your world change for the better. You will be more confident and content with your life. Just allow me to escape please do not bury me again because this time I don’t think I will survive.” Calor pleaded.
“Not survive, what do you mean?” Shen asked.
“I mean that if you allow them to kill me then I will be gone forever. You will stay the way you are scared and lonely. But if you stand up now, put your faith in God, learn to love yourself, and find your strength again, we both will not only survive but live.”
“Okay, I can do that. I don’t want you to die. My life means too much to me and to God for me to just allow this to kill you without a fight. I will try my best. I will live!” She declared.
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