Tag Archives: inspirational

Love By Choice, Not By Need

Love by choice, not by need

I always share the positive side of love because that’s my purpose. However, I do realize that there are many unhealthy relationships in existence that are being prolonged by codependency but are masquerading as love. So how do you know that you are choosing love versus needing love?

Have you ever heard the term codependency? It’s when you live under the falsehood that you can control how someone feels by controlling them, things, and situations. Codependent people love out of need not by choice. They love in an attempt to make themselves whole or feel better. This myth however never materializes into anything real. They are left living in a rose shaded world that only exists to them. The love they thought they had was only something they were trying to create and control.

Love is a choice. But how do you know that you are choosing to love because it’s real and not because you are trying to feed some sort of need within yourself? Codependents need the love of their partner to feel whole. When you choose to love a partner, you are already an independent whole person and you are choosing to share yourself and your heart with another.

Attempting to build a relationship on a codependent foundation is like building a house on sand. Eventually the weight of the unhealthy love will crumble and the relationship will fail. A healthy love relationship must be built on a solid foundation between two people who are independently whole and sound themselves. You cannot expect that another person is going to make everything in your life better.

If you have a sense of being dependent on your lover to make you feel better or you don’t feel okay being separated from them you may be experiencing an unhealthy love. In a healthy relationship, distance should enhance your love not threaten it. Codependents feel threatened when their method of coping is taken away. Suddenly they are not safe, not okay, and need to regain their balance. But in a healthy relationship when you are away from the one you love, you do miss them, but you don’t feel like the world is falling apart rather it deepens your love for them.

Picture from yinyangmother.com
Picture from yinyangmother.com

I choose to love not because I need a man to make me whole or make me feel better about myself. There was a time in my life when I needed love. But not anymore. Praise God for healing my heart and showing me that his love was all I ever needed and that self-love is the first step to successfully loving others. I am at a point in my life where I am content, happy and at peace alone. Yes, I do love another because I choose to love him. I have learned that it is good to keep boundaries and allow each other the space to grow. When you overlap that is a sign that you are probably in an unhealthy space. The goal is to be in unison and work towards a union. Like in the yin yang symbol they come together to form one whole, not overlap and drown each other. They remain independent but together. That is the goal of healthy love.


Standing Still

Just some of my thoughts... Standing Still

When he hurts, I hurt. I feel him in my heart. But how? How are we able to connect with another person in that way? I never understood it but I have experienced it. Love is like that. It binds you, which is why I always say that a person who genuinely loves you will do their best not to hurt you because hurting you would hurt them.

So what do you do? You can’t take away their pain and you can’t fix what’s wrong. Just stand, be there, and love them. Don’t try to fix things for them, but try to see their perspective. Give them the space to grieve, be angry, or whatever they need to heal. But don’t forget to be patient because it may take some time.

I was always the one who was on the supportive side. I called when they needed and they asked me how I knew. But now it was my turn. I was torn up emotionally that night, sitting in my car. I couldn’t move because of some things that had happened. I needed time. The phone rang unexpectedly. It was him. He quickly acknowledged everything I had said throughout the day to him. The tears stopped and I could breathe.

I began to tell him about what had me so upset, my world began to calm down. I could think. There was a silence on the phone. I asked him if he were still there. He said he wasn’t going anywhere. He was there and he didn’t say anything. He didn’t say anything wise to make me feel better. There was just silence. The silence that healed me that night. The silence that told me he could feel me like I felt him.

I’m not going anywhere! Sometimes standing still is all that’s needed.

Fedora loves you. Peace

Giving and Receiving Love

Giving and receiving love

For the first time in so long I have encountered someone who is unable to receive love. I have not loved very many men but when a man touches my heart I give him my entire heart. I love the whole man, good, bad or indifferent. I love unconditionally like Jesus loves us.

As I have loved others, I have watched how this love empowers the beloved. It gives them a sense of confidence, causing them to push their chest out and hold their head up high. I believe that everyone should feel this way at least once in their lifetime. I have only had one great love, the one that spans time. That love was not nurtured and was destroyed by fear and lies.

The person I love now is having a hard time receiving the love. He does not feel worthy, therefore he pushes it away. Fear of the unknown will cause us to push away something that could save us and rescue us from our humdrum existence. Many push God away for the same reasons, not realizing that his love will allow them to soar higher than they could ever imagine.

It hurts being pushed away when all you want to do is love someone. But we should also respect others wishes. Just like God doesn’t force his love on us. So I released my lover today. Let him push me away until a time he can give and receive love freely. Love always wins. Always!

The only thing is that it may be too late. I watched this unfold in my life, as my one great love finally came to confess his love of 25 years only it was too late. I had moved on and gotten over him.

Allow yourself the ability to give and receive love willingly. I used to hide my feelings due to fear. But I don’t anymore. Now that I openly love, it can be overwhelming for some.

Love always wins. Always!

Quality Man

You are quality
I am attracted to your strength
Your vulnerability
Your openness
Your manliness
Your heart

You are quality
Your smile warms me inside
Your eyes say you have walked
Many miles but have not been broken
Your words say that you have learned
Learned to embrace the road you are on
Use it to get what you deserve
To get where God wants you to be

You are quality
Put together for a specific purpose
For a specific time
For specific people
Not just the ordinary
But the extraordinary

You are quality
You are not where you came from
Your foundation is not who you are
God has poured a new foundation
The one that has elevated you
To be the man you are
To love the way you do
To elevate others in your path

You are a quality man