High by Ledisi

Lovers,

I have a new theme song. Thank you Ledisi for this gem of a song. Another one pulled right out of my soul. The words, the music. Feel his love. Yes this is where I am living right now. Under God’s wing of love. Yes, I know this is not a worship song. But love heals so much. It starts with allowing God to love you unconditionally. Then you learn to love yourself the same way.

Fall in love with yourself. I love myself this way. If you want real love in your life you must love you first, then you show others how to love you.

Fedora loves you. Peace

 

 

 

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Oh, feels so good to be back again
Nah nah nah

I’ve been thinking ’bout time
I’ve been thinking ’bout space
I know I might sound crazy
But I’m tryna get down in a real good space
I just wanna be safe
I just wanna feel good every morning, every single day
Every morning that I wake
I’ve been looking for a place
Where the sun shines all the time
Good loving in my soul is what I crave
I ain’t worried ’bout the hate (uh-uh)
Last year was a good year for your girl
I’ve been keeping up with the pace
So don’t be coming with the bull
Had a good year, now you starting to see my face
Ain’t worried ’bout the fate

Kinda over all he hard times I’ve been through
(Love brought me to you)
And I kinda feel loose
My heart I choose
My heart been broke down in the dirt and I finally see blue
Raised hands feel focused
And I’m done being broken
And I talked about love, real love
You the only thing that get me up
I’m high
Got me so far off that I could fly
Watch me fly
Keep me high in your blue sky
It’s about damn time
I just wanna be high

You’re making me high (hi-hi-high)
Oh baby, let’s fly
I just wanna be high
Don’t know what you did to me
But I know how you feel for me
I just wanna be high
Ooh, let me just fly in blue skies
I just wanna be

Deep down and I’m feeling
Finally I’m winning
Finally I’m feeling real good
‘Cause you’re loving deep down, working in my soul
I ain’t never felt this damn whole
A lot of dicks, they kill me (yep!)
But your love can heal me
‘Cause your love feel good when I’m down
You could pick me up
I ain’t never in the dust
Got me falling deep down in your love
Oh, and when you never gotta rush

Kinda over all he hard times I’ve been through
(Love brought me to you)
And I kinda feel loose
My heart I choose
My heart been broke down in the dirt and I finally see blue
Raised hands feel blessed
I ain’t worried ’bout the stress

I’m talking ’bout love, real love
You the only thing that get me up
I’m high
Got me so far up, I could fly
Watch me fly
Oh, keep me high in your blue sky
Watch me fly
I just wanna be high
Oh, you’re making me high

I just wanna be high
High in your blue sky
I just wanna be high
You don’t know what you did to me
Making me, making me high
High, high

I wanna be high, I wanna be just loved
Wanna be just loved, wanna be, wanna be
I just wanna stay right here
Away from the world

 

Power and Purpose of Pain

Power and Purpose of Pain

My focus recently has been on love and pain. Most of the time I choose not to deal with the pain because pain can be negative. I don’t like to dwell there. But recently I have realized that my avoidance of this topic is exactly what has been keeping me stuck.

I learned the power and purpose of pain. Pain had taken over me and had produced something ugly and scary. I didn’t know who that person was. She was so scared and full of hurt. Then the hurt turned into anger and the anger just kept boiling and boiling but never came to an end. I was stuck in a never-ending cycle. But I had to stop it, so I knew what to do. I reached out and I got help.

God is always there and ready whenever we face things that are bigger than us. All we need to do is reach out and say, “I need help.” God will send help. Help may be found in a friend you can be real with, a counselor, a minister, your parent, etc. It depends on who God sends. But make sure you look for someone you can trust. You can’t handle this on your own. I found my person and I reconnected with God. I allowed Him to show me the path I should be on instead of that path of pain and anger.

When you stay in a place of hurt you allow yourself to become a weapon against another person. When you are being used in that way you can do damage. In some cases, irreversible damage. That struck home with me as I watched an episode of Being Mary Jane when her best friend committed suicide. I’m not saying that it was Mary Jane’s fault or anything. But after she found out about the incident between her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, she refused to talk to her friend. She shut her out. I thought that was a callous thing to do especially when she knew her friend was suicidal.

So sometimes pain will drive us to the point where we cannot help those who are weaker than us because we can’t see past our own hurt and anger enough to see what’s going on with the people around us. We are of no use to anyone when we are in that mode.

I have chosen to live differently and not purposely hurt others because of my own pain. If I find myself stuck and going into that path, I will ask for help because I don’t want to be used as a weapon to hurt people anymore. I know that I may never be perfect and I will probably hurt someone else again. But not in a way that I could have avoided. So, on this new path. I listen. I listen before I respond. I respond according to what I hear. I pay attention more. I deal with my crap and I live in freedom from hurting others because I can’t deal with my own pain.

Pain has another purpose as well. God uses pain to prune us of traits that are damaging to our spiritual and emotional growth. It is often the pain that leads us to a path of healing. We will seek the help we need because we don’t want to hurt anymore. Sometimes it may seem unfortunate that we must hurt so bad just to be set free. But think about the story of Jesus and how much pain he endured to set others free.

Paul had a thorn in his side that God refused to remove because he said his grace was sufficient. The painful thorn was his point of humility. It is what kept him from returning to his old ways. It’s what reminded him of his limitations. I have moments like that. I cannot return to certain situations that I allowed myself to be in before because there is a sensitive spot in my heart that reminds me of what is there should I return to that path.

Now in each scenario pain is used to produce something. But in the latter one it’s not being used as a weapon. But a point of contact, a reminder, it’s just a sore spot. When pain and anger couple together it becomes a powerful weapon that digs in and hurts. It’s not a sore spot, it’s a gaping gash. That is much different. I challenge you today to find your healthy place in the power and purpose of pain. Don’t be a weapon get healed today.

Until the Pain is Gone by Daley ft. Jill Scott

Oh ooh oh
Oh ooh oh

Try to see this through my eyes
Cause you’re not the only one confused
In this world where love is prone to lose
Still I’m ready to give this thing a try
But how do I give to someone
Who wants what they can’t have

So if you need love, say it
I know that you feel it but I can’t
Keep holding on and on and on
I need to be the only one
Yeah, cause I know that you get lonely

So show me the things you’re scared to show me
And we can go on and on and on
‘Til the pain is gone

I don’t even know if I believe in love
But in it with you I’d like to be
I’ve just been so cynical baby
So can you convince me change my mind?
We can leave all those demon days behind
Cause, didn’t I mention
I have nothing but good intentions for you

So if you need love, say it
I know that you feel it but, I can’t
Keep holding on and on and on
I need to know that I’m the one
Yeah cause I know that you get lonely

So show me the things you’re scared to show me
We can go on and on and on
‘Til the pain is gone
(‘Til the pain is gone)

The pain that you knew before (The pain that you knew before)
It don’t matter any more

So if you need
So if you need love, say it
I know that you feel it but, I can’t
Keep holding on and on and on (Can’t keep holding one)
I need to know that I’m the one
Yeah cause I know that you get lonely
So show me the things you’re scared to show me
We can go on and on and on
Until the pain is gone, pain is gone

Songwriters: Daly Gareth Terence / Francis Murray / Hitesh Ceon / Kim Ofstad

Until the Pain Is Gone lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Two Healed Hearts

When love matures it’s so noticeable. One day you realize that you are wearing each other like your favorite familiar skin. That’s not necessarily bad because it means you have entered a higher level of trust. The reality is that not everyone we encounter will gain access to this space. So when there is one there it’s noticeable.

According to Psychology Today mature healthy love:

“Waits, respects, gives the benefit of the doubt, listens, trusts, cares, accepts, takes pleasure in the successes and joys of the other, accepts love without question of motive or condition, forgives, lets go when necessary, says goodbye…but not perfectly and not always. (Smith, 2012)”

What I find amazing is that this corresponds with a Bible verse on love. I know many are so quick to discredit the Bible but it really does contain some truths to living in freedom.

“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end (2 Corinthians `13:3-7, MSG).”

This is a sweet time in your journey because you feel free to be your silly self without reproach, to kiss each other with morning breath and not get slapped. Yes moments where you realize you love all of them. So what do you do when you get here?

You love unconditionally, that’s what you do. You don’t condemn because they are less than perfect. All the men in my life have abandoned me emotionally and physically. Starting with the first man, my father. He died and never made amends. I never heard his story. I only know bits and pieces of it.

But parents you should know that it’s important for your children to hear your story. All of it even the bad parts. It will bring healing and understanding to them. We have so many generational curses that are upon us. Especially as black people. Our struggle is not only to exist but to also find out who we are. Our identity was stolen hundreds of years ago. Our families inherited the anger and defeat of many of our ancestors.

But today the Spirit stood up and said this family will be free. We will start anew and create a new legacy in both love, spirit, and relationships. Our children will not endure what we had to, they will experience true freedom and give it to their children.

Today I love and am loved completely. My heart, yes that’s what I call him, he takes care of me. God confirmed for me this morning that my heart will not abandon me. He is not like the others. I unconsciously attracted those who were similar to my father but not this time.

This is a fresh spirit, that gives back to me. That sustains me through our connection, which is our love. I will always be there he is saying and I will allow you is my response. Love and healing, an awesome combination.

Smith, A. (2012, November 15). Secrets to a strong, successful relationship. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201211/secrets-strong-successful-relationship

 

Starting New

Recently God  broke some things up in my life. It was good though because I grew from the experiences. I closed some doors that should’ve been closed years ago. It was refreshing and empowering.

Did I tell you that I am afraid of love? Yes, I have been for most of my adulthood. I have been hurt a lot and decided it was safer not to trust my heart to a man. I am saddened by the number of men in this world who do not value women. The ones who are hurt and unloved use women as sex toys, bed warmers, friends with benefits etc. Whatever term you use to describe how they steal our virtue with no intentions of giving anything back to us. They use us, our bodies, and our benefits leaving us empty and depleted.

When I realized this pattern in my life, I took steps to take myself out of this cycle. I cannot fix the men but I can allow God to help me fix myself. First, I stopped giving away my virtue. I became celibate. I began to recognize the men who only wanted to use me and stayed away from them. I also paid attention to find out why some of them did it. (That’s another post, I promise)

 

I wrote a poem a few years ago about how men have wanted me but never cherished me just because they love me. I was presented with this love I have never known before. Guess what I almost ran away. Yeah, I know. Chicken. I finally meet a man who loves me the woman not just my body. He calls me beautiful each time I am in his presence. As he kisses me, his eyes show how much he feels for me.

This is refreshing but do you know what the most empowering experience was for me  recently? Looking at myself and falling in love with myself again. I love this woman! I love her more than he does.

I want to encourage all people not just women to understand the importance of loving yourself. You have to be able to embrace the good and bad things about yourself. As you allow God to show you the less than perfect you. Open your heart and also allow him to show you how to heal in that area so that you can be the best person you can.

Remember that perfection is not attainable but if we chase perfection we will catch excellence. You may never be perfect but you will excel as you travel the path to purpose and you will purposely give the best parts of yourself to others.

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Lovers,

I don’t know if any of you know what it feels like to belong to one man in mind, body, and spirit. Algebra captured the essence of it in her song. It resonated with my soul as I listened to her describe how I feel. You don’t want another person touching you when their touch is all you crave. You don’t allow others into your head because others will not understand why you talk and he listens. We live and love through music that’s why I share the tunes that go with the stories.

But today I dedicate this one to my Boaz because it’s how I feel baby!

Fedora loves you. Peace

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Boy, listen
Everybody can’t be in my head
Everybody can’t sleep in my bed
Everybody can’t be up in my face
Everybody can’t be all in my space

Now I might fuss a lil’ bit, curse a lil’ bit
You know this, yeah
But if you trust a lil’ bit
You gonna get one hundred percent

I don’t want nobody but you
Don’t want nobody touching me, baby
But you
Don’t want nobody kissing me, baby
But you
Don’t want nobody loving me, baby
But you
But you, you, you

Everybody won’t understand my journey
Everybody won’t know how it heal what hurts me
Everybody can’t be written into my story
Just because they want me don’t mean they ready for me

Now I might throw a lil’ fit, talk a lil’ slick
I do this, yeah
I’m willing to go on and admit it that you a perfect fit
Baby, you the shit

I don’t want nobody but you
Don’t want nobody touching me, baby
But you
Don’t want nobody kissing me, baby
But you
Don’t want nobody loving me, baby
But you
But you, you, you

Never mind what you thought, you were in my heart
Never mind what you think, you were in my dreams
Never mind how it seems, you’re my everything
Never mind

I don’t want nobody but you
Don’t want nobody touching me, baby
But you
Don’t want nobody kissing me, baby
But you
Don’t want nobody loving me, baby
But you
But you, you, you
I don’t want nobody but you

Written by Edward Monroe Hill, Mark Daniel Sanders • Copyright © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group

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Lovers,

It’s been a while I know. I have been on a tight schedule. Working hard writing my first book of fiction. It is hard work but I Love It! This is what I was born to do. Write and love. My two favorite things. I do them both very well too.

But Fedora has been working more than loving because I am focused on a goal. There is a new path before me and I want to explore it all. I want to be a published author. I want to love all the people God has blessed me to love unselfishly. But first I have to do this. I have to reach this goal.

I am working hard for my lovers to give more of my love through my words. So look for some new directions with my work. Experience my new passion. I have so much more to give!!!

Fedora Loves you. Peace