I sat across from him at the table. He is so handsome, just like when I first met him almost 30 years ago. His light touch of gray lends to his distinguished look. So sexy. I shook my head because he is so sexy but also such an angelic spirit at times.
“Okay. Let’s focus.” I say to myself.
“What did you want to know?” He asks. He was always direct. Respected that about him. Except when it came to his heart. That was always indirect.
“I wanted to know how you are and how that relates to me?” I answered.
From this point on he begins to dig deep inside himself and tell me how he really is. He doesn’t look directly at me instead he directs his gaze to his right as he speaks. But I am looking directly at him. I know he is speaking truth because the last time he confessed his truth to me he did the same thing. He averted my eyes and spoke from his soul. That one was a huge one too. So, I anxiously await his words.
“My current relationship is over and we are separating in the next three months. She says I am selfish. I stopped cheating for her. She agreed to allow me to have her any way and anytime I wanted sexually so there was no need for other women. I stayed with her only. You know that is not my norm?” He says.
“Yes, I know that.” I reply.
“She is not submissive, she doesn’t take care of me, doesn’t want to cuddle, and won’t cook. I don’t understand why she just won’t love me. I don’t hang out in the street. I go to work and I come home to her. But she complains that I crowd her.” He says. I hear the pain in his voice as he speaks.
My mind immediately goes to our past relationship and how he never would love me that way. I knew it was in him to love that way but he always kept me at such a distance. I remember a time when I would do anything for him. All I wanted to do was love him so I gave myself to him completely especially sexually. I go to that place in my mind…
I stood in front of him to satisfy his visual pleasure. My black thigh high fishnets gripped the curves of my plump legs. The top rustled a little from the fullness of my thighs, as the garter clip tightened the grip. He loved the red garter and bra set. Of course, no panties was always the rule. My pussy glistened from the oil and moisture.
“What do you want baby?” I asked seductively.
“You on my lap.” He said.
I walked over towards him but stopped a few steps in front of him. I put my right foot on the table. Slowly I rubbed my fingers across my rock-hard clit. I moaned when they made contact. I maintained eye contact with him as I slipped my fingers inside my wet hole collecting all the cum. Then I took my fingers out and put them in his mouth. He licked them clean. Then pulled me to him.
I straddled him. His dick stood erect like the monument. I had to take my time. I slowly lowered my wet pussy on his head. Teased a little, only allowing the head to enter. He grabbed my hips. I motioned No. He loosened his grip. I continued to make love to his head. I felt the rush of cum from inside me. I submerged myself on him completely just as the orgasm hit me.
“Ooohhhh!!!!” I screamed.
The orgasm was intense and I began a steady stroke allowing him to feel all of my heat. I stroked him hard and fast gasping each time he hit the top of my pelvis. I took all of him inside me.
“You’re so fucking beautiful!” He said as he pulled my face to his.
He kissed me while I continued to ride him. We got lost in a momentum of kisses, humps, bumps and pulls. We rode together this way until he released the waterfall inside me. I collapsed on him, spent from the emotional, spiritual and physical energies we exchanged.
It was always that easy to get lost in each other. He continues to tell me about his previous marriage and how she went fatal attraction on him because she found out he was cheating. It sounded ugly. Thing is, I remember when he was dating her. He pushed me away just to be with her. Kept telling me I was only his friend, although he would melt just from me touching his hand. Who was he trying to convince me or himself?
I continue to listen. Now he is talking about how he doesn’t want to do this again. He wants to live alone for a while. He needs to reconnect with God but doesn’t really know what that looks like. I see the confusion on his face. As I listen I am reminded of the many years I was always so conveniently there after every break up. Always his ride or die. Until I crashed one day and I found myself alone. He wasn’t there for me.
I always knew he was in love with me but he was also fearful of our love and would not allow himself to bask in it. So, he kept me away from him a lot especially when he his heart was tender for me. But loving him on and off like this for almost 30-years had taken its toll on me. That’s why when he called, I suggested that we talk first. I don’t have time to pour into empty barrels anymore. No need to stir up things if there is nowhere to go.
“I wanted to know if we could do the same things we used to do? I didn’t know if you were in a relationship or even active anymore.” He asks.
Once again so direct. He wants the same thing. I remember him telling me that one of his fondest moments between us was the first time we were sexual. He was amazed at how wet my pussy was and that it soaked my panties. Thing is, I don’t even remember that night almost 30-years ago. But his directness is much appreciated today.
“No baby. I have grown so much since you saw me. I give myself to those who want all of me. I am a package deal now. When I wanted to love you, you rejected me every time and dumped me for the latest and greatest. Now you come and want me to do the same. I stopped loving you years ago. I love myself now.” I respond.
I am not angry, surprisingly not hurt either. I didn’t allow my heart to hope this time because well I know him. As I was talking I had an epiphany. I realized that I have always been his 30-year fling but he was always my love.
Power and Purpose of Pain
My focus recently has been on love and pain. Most of the time I choose not to deal with the pain because pain can be negative. I don’t like to dwell there. But recently I have realized that my avoidance of this topic is exactly what has been keeping me stuck.
I learned the power and purpose of pain. Pain had taken over me and had produced something ugly and scary. I didn’t know who that person was. She was so scared and full of hurt. Then the hurt turned into anger and the anger just kept boiling and boiling but never came to an end. I was stuck in a never-ending cycle. But I had to stop it, so I knew what to do. I reached out and I got help.
God is always there and ready whenever we face things that are bigger than us. All we need to do is reach out and say, “I need help.” God will send help. Help may be found in a friend you can be real with, a counselor, a minister, your parent, etc. It depends on who God sends. But make sure you look for someone you can trust. You can’t handle this on your own. I found my person and I reconnected with God. I allowed Him to show me the path I should be on instead of that path of pain and anger.
When you stay in a place of hurt you allow yourself to become a weapon against another person. When you are being used in that way you can do damage. In some cases, irreversible damage. That struck home with me as I watched an episode of Being Mary Jane when her best friend committed suicide. I’m not saying that it was Mary Jane’s fault or anything. But after she found out about the incident between her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, she refused to talk to her friend. She shut her out. I thought that was a callous thing to do especially when she knew her friend was suicidal.
So sometimes pain will drive us to the point where we cannot help those who are weaker than us because we can’t see past our own hurt and anger enough to see what’s going on with the people around us. We are of no use to anyone when we are in that mode.
I have chosen to live differently and not purposely hurt others because of my own pain. If I find myself stuck and going into that path, I will ask for help because I don’t want to be used as a weapon to hurt people anymore. I know that I may never be perfect and I will probably hurt someone else again. But not in a way that I could have avoided. So, on this new path. I listen. I listen before I respond. I respond according to what I hear. I pay attention more. I deal with my crap and I live in freedom from hurting others because I can’t deal with my own pain.
Pain has another purpose as well. God uses pain to prune us of traits that are damaging to our spiritual and emotional growth. It is often the pain that leads us to a path of healing. We will seek the help we need because we don’t want to hurt anymore. Sometimes it may seem unfortunate that we must hurt so bad just to be set free. But think about the story of Jesus and how much pain he endured to set others free.
Paul had a thorn in his side that God refused to remove because he said his grace was sufficient. The painful thorn was his point of humility. It is what kept him from returning to his old ways. It’s what reminded him of his limitations. I have moments like that. I cannot return to certain situations that I allowed myself to be in before because there is a sensitive spot in my heart that reminds me of what is there should I return to that path.
Now in each scenario pain is used to produce something. But in the latter one it’s not being used as a weapon. But a point of contact, a reminder, it’s just a sore spot. When pain and anger couple together it becomes a powerful weapon that digs in and hurts. It’s not a sore spot, it’s a gaping gash. That is much different. I challenge you today to find your healthy place in the power and purpose of pain. Don’t be a weapon get healed today.
Here is another playlist featuring music about my latest topic the collision of love and pain. Who wins?
Well in Fedora’s world love always prevails. So listen and enjoy the ride. Don’t forget to visit my YouTube channel and become a subscriber. I have much more coming for you soon.
Fedora loves you. Peace
When love matures it’s so noticeable. One day you realize that you are wearing each other like your favorite familiar skin. That’s not necessarily bad because it means you have entered a higher level of trust. The reality is that not everyone we encounter will gain access to this space. So when there is one there it’s noticeable.
According to Psychology Today mature healthy love:
“Waits, respects, gives the benefit of the doubt, listens, trusts, cares, accepts, takes pleasure in the successes and joys of the other, accepts love without question of motive or condition, forgives, lets go when necessary, says goodbye…but not perfectly and not always. (Smith, 2012)”
What I find amazing is that this corresponds with a Bible verse on love. I know many are so quick to discredit the Bible but it really does contain some truths to living in freedom.
“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end (2 Corinthians `13:3-7, MSG).”
This is a sweet time in your journey because you feel free to be your silly self without reproach, to kiss each other with morning breath and not get slapped. Yes moments where you realize you love all of them. So what do you do when you get here?
You love unconditionally, that’s what you do. You don’t condemn because they are less than perfect. All the men in my life have abandoned me emotionally and physically. Starting with the first man, my father. He died and never made amends. I never heard his story. I only know bits and pieces of it.
But parents you should know that it’s important for your children to hear your story. All of it even the bad parts. It will bring healing and understanding to them. We have so many generational curses that are upon us. Especially as black people. Our struggle is not only to exist but to also find out who we are. Our identity was stolen hundreds of years ago. Our families inherited the anger and defeat of many of our ancestors.
But today the Spirit stood up and said this family will be free. We will start anew and create a new legacy in both love, spirit, and relationships. Our children will not endure what we had to, they will experience true freedom and give it to their children.
Today I love and am loved completely. My heart, yes that’s what I call him, he takes care of me. God confirmed for me this morning that my heart will not abandon me. He is not like the others. I unconsciously attracted those who were similar to my father but not this time.
This is a fresh spirit, that gives back to me. That sustains me through our connection, which is our love. I will always be there he is saying and I will allow you is my response. Love and healing, an awesome combination.
Smith, A. (2012, November 15). Secrets to a strong, successful relationship. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201211/secrets-strong-successful-relationship