Tag Archives: forgiveness

Forgiveness is Easy, Forgetting is another Chapter

Lover’s I realize that I am in a healing space right now. Someone has hurt me deeply to the core of my being and I must forgive them. It has been hard because the people who hurt me are people I love.

I must forgive so that I can move on but I do not forget. Nor do I allow those people back into my life so easily. They have to earn a place in my life. They have to earn my trust, loyalty, love again. It will not be freely given.

Should they choose not to return, that is just fine. I have made peace with all of them. I have found my safe place and have managed just fine without them. Yes I miss them sometimes but being alone is worth the peace I have gained.

To those who are still selfishly hurting others. Take a minute and consider your own pain. Imagine someone digging a weapon in your open wound and how unbearable it would be emotionally. That’s what you are doing to the people you are using, lying to, cheating, betraying, all for your own selfish gain. Realize that your pain will stop when you stop causing pain to others.

Fedora Loves You. Peace!

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Back to My Life

Line in the Sand by FedoraDrawing a line in the sand symbolizes that you have reached the limit with something. Simply put enough is enough. This week I have been pushed to my limits with people and situations that have attempted to overload me emotionally and push me into abandoning my path to follow theirs.

I broke up with someone a few years ago who has refused to let me go. I allowed him to stay close for a while because he was a good friend. But he hurt me deeply when he made choices to maintain relationships with his ex-girlfriend. I was not going to be second to any woman especially when the man was constantly trying to convince me that I am first. But that is exactly the thing he was trying to convince me. There should be no convincing needed! Either I am or I am not.

Clearly I was not number one and he was selfish. I put the Letoya Luckett song “Back 2 Life” on my site because it tells a truth that I am clearly living right now. I am so damn tired of men wasting my time with their selfish agendas and I am not allowing it anymore. The key phrase in her song that resonates with me is “You can have those other bitches Cause I’m not the jealous type.” I’m not. I am a beautiful woman who brings a lot to the table so any man who thinks he has better in the other woman should keep right on walking to her.

So today I am done! I claim my healing from the wound he left in my heart when he wanted her more than me. When she was his priority but I was only when he needed something. She should be his woman, so that’s why I removed myself so he would be free to seek whomever he wanted. I love myself too much to allow any man to devalue me. I draw my line in the sand. I am ready to move forward.

I am getting back to my life, back to reality.

Fear of Love

I love you in a way
That makes me so vulnerable
I feel too much
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to stop it

I want to walk away
Forget you
But my heart
Won’t allow it
Even when I am not angry anymore
I still want to love you

I have to confess
I am so scared of us
Scared to love you
Scared not to love you

The whirlwind of love
Drives me crazy
Makes me want to escape
This emotional war
Raging in my heart

So I turn to the
Heat of the place
Which takes me away
Despite the fact
They never satisfy my ways

But I know that he
Loves many
So differently
In the same ways
That make
Them want to stay

Another thing
That makes me crash
Close my heart
Pray it never starts
To love another again

Our future
Flashes before me
Smiling I see
You loving me

But the world
Shines its light
On our differences
Making me fly
For fear that love
Will make me disappear

I close my heart
My voice
My words away
Hiding my truth

That my biggest fear is
Spending the rest of my life
Without your love
After waiting
So long to find you

Picture by Blacky91

The Story of Us – We Go Deeper

Dear Heart,

We go deeper still!! But not physically. Emotionally, intimately, and purposefully united. We opened ourselves to the other. We didn’t talk much before, we unspokenly expressed what was inside our hearts. It consumed us most of the time and we failed to properly communicate what really needed to be said. This climaxed into a situation that resulted in a brief separation of our hearts, which told us much more than we were ready to deal with. We go much deeper.

I spent time trying to avoid the space that I am in at present. I wasn’t ready to be entangled with another’s heart. But God had other ideas of course. Some that already has me questioning whether Karma is kicking my ass again. Especially, after I ran into the very first one, who entangled my heart, at the mall. Blew me back 28 years when I first encountered him and his heart. It was still there in that moment. We instinctively touched each other inside and out. But he left my heart many years ago and I wasn’t trying to get back here so soon.

But as I lay here in the same space with my beloved, angry and loving him. We avoid the space that sits between us. It is uncomfortable but neither of us wants to budge. I am so angry that I want to leave right now in the middle of the night and make him wonder where I had gone and why. But my heart will not allow me to move.

Instead we speak to each other through music. The shell is threatening to harden over his spot. But God is speaking at that moment through an angelic song that whispers into my soul, “Let him love you” “Let him love you”, continuously until the hardness ceases. I allow him to love me.

This morning, he greets me with his touch. He wants to cuddle. I given in for a minute but I then I pull away, in pain. No, real physical pain. It has been there for two days. Now it is hitting me again. He touches me and guides my hands to his face. I touch him and move my fingers purposely around his face, his head, his neck, and his shoulders. I feel his energy come inside me and my pain begins to dissipate. I feel his love through our skin. Our hearts melt right before us, then we talk. Really talk about what happened. There are no excuses given, only the acknowledgement followed up with an unspoken promise of never again.

A defining moment for us because it is just us together, quiet, stillness, no television, no music, just our hearts, and the breath that draws between us. Peace is her name and she visits us often. He tickled me with his tongue, twirled it around my armpits, my neck, and back again until I laughed uncontrollably and loved every second of it. I left his presence floating like a queen who had been fully loved and admired by her beloved. He rescues me each time from the hardening from the closure of my heart by loving me intently and deliberately.

Karma’s Back

Karma Serves by Fedora
Picture from http://www.statusshare.org/

Karma
Slaps you back
With a sharp edge
Makes you lack
The courage to find
Out how you ended up
Eating smack

Karma
Says you’ve been here before
The last time
Their heart tore
When you didn’t care
Kicked their love
Around everywhere

Karma
Heard the words
You said
Each time you rolled
Out of the bed
Always leaving
To stay one step ahead

Karma
Saw the pain you caused
When they said
You are all I need
But you lied then paused
Because all you wanted was to be free

Karma
Said you’ll see me again
I will haunt you until
You begin
To deal with your heart
From within
Giving truth and love a chance
To win