Tag Archives: forgiveness

Back to My Life

Line in the Sand by FedoraDrawing a line in the sand symbolizes that you have reached the limit with something. Simply put enough is enough. This week I have been pushed to my limits with people and situations that have attempted to overload me emotionally and push me into abandoning my path to follow theirs.

I broke up with someone a few years ago who has refused to let me go. I allowed him to stay close for a while because he was a good friend. But he hurt me deeply when he made choices to maintain relationships with his ex-girlfriend. I was not going to be second to any woman especially when the man was constantly trying to convince me that I am first. But that is exactly the thing he was trying to convince me. There should be no convincing needed! Either I am or I am not.

Clearly I was not number one and he was selfish. I put the Letoya Luckett song “Back 2 Life” on my site because it tells a truth that I am clearly living right now. I am so damn tired of men wasting my time with their selfish agendas and I am not allowing it anymore. The key phrase in her song that resonates with me is “You can have those other bitches Cause I’m not the jealous type.” I’m not. I am a beautiful woman who brings a lot to the table so any man who thinks he has better in the other woman should keep right on walking to her.

So today I am done! I claim my healing from the wound he left in my heart when he wanted her more than me. When she was his priority but I was only when he needed something. She should be his woman, so that’s why I removed myself so he would be free to seek whomever he wanted. I love myself too much to allow any man to devalue me. I draw my line in the sand. I am ready to move forward.

I am getting back to my life, back to reality.

Fear of Love

I love you in a way
That makes me so vulnerable
I feel too much
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to stop it

I want to walk away
Forget you
But my heart
Won’t allow it
Even when I am not angry anymore
I still want to love you

I have to confess
I am so scared of us
Scared to love you
Scared not to love you

The whirlwind of love
Drives me crazy
Makes me want to escape
This emotional war
Raging in my heart

So I turn to the
Heat of the place
Which takes me away
Despite the fact
They never satisfy my ways

But I know that he
Loves many
So differently
In the same ways
That make
Them want to stay

Another thing
That makes me crash
Close my heart
Pray it never starts
To love another again

Our future
Flashes before me
Smiling I see
You loving me

But the world
Shines its light
On our differences
Making me fly
For fear that love
Will make me disappear

I close my heart
My voice
My words away
Hiding my truth

That my biggest fear is
Spending the rest of my life
Without your love
After waiting
So long to find you

Picture by Blacky91

The Story of Us – We Go Deeper

Dear Heart,

We go deeper still!! But not physically. Emotionally, intimately, and purposefully united. We opened ourselves to the other. We didn’t talk much before, we unspokenly expressed what was inside our hearts. It consumed us most of the time and we failed to properly communicate what really needed to be said. This climaxed into a situation that resulted in a brief separation of our hearts, which told us much more than we were ready to deal with. We go much deeper.

I spent time trying to avoid the space that I am in at present. I wasn’t ready to be entangled with another’s heart. But God had other ideas of course. Some that already has me questioning whether Karma is kicking my ass again. Especially, after I ran into the very first one, who entangled my heart, at the mall. Blew me back 28 years when I first encountered him and his heart. It was still there in that moment. We instinctively touched each other inside and out. But he left my heart many years ago and I wasn’t trying to get back here so soon.

But as I lay here in the same space with my beloved, angry and loving him. We avoid the space that sits between us. It is uncomfortable but neither of us wants to budge. I am so angry that I want to leave right now in the middle of the night and make him wonder where I had gone and why. But my heart will not allow me to move.

Instead we speak to each other through music. The shell is threatening to harden over his spot. But God is speaking at that moment through an angelic song that whispers into my soul, “Let him love you” “Let him love you”, continuously until the hardness ceases. I allow him to love me.

This morning, he greets me with his touch. He wants to cuddle. I given in for a minute but I then I pull away, in pain. No, real physical pain. It has been there for two days. Now it is hitting me again. He touches me and guides my hands to his face. I touch him and move my fingers purposely around his face, his head, his neck, and his shoulders. I feel his energy come inside me and my pain begins to dissipate. I feel his love through our skin. Our hearts melt right before us, then we talk. Really talk about what happened. There are no excuses given, only the acknowledgement followed up with an unspoken promise of never again.

A defining moment for us because it is just us together, quiet, stillness, no television, no music, just our hearts, and the breath that draws between us. Peace is her name and she visits us often. He tickled me with his tongue, twirled it around my armpits, my neck, and back again until I laughed uncontrollably and loved every second of it. I left his presence floating like a queen who had been fully loved and admired by her beloved. He rescues me each time from the hardening from the closure of my heart by loving me intently and deliberately.

Karma’s Back

Karma Serves by Fedora
Picture from http://www.statusshare.org/

Karma
Slaps you back
With a sharp edge
Makes you lack
The courage to find
Out how you ended up
Eating smack

Karma
Says you’ve been here before
The last time
Their heart tore
When you didn’t care
Kicked their love
Around everywhere

Karma
Heard the words
You said
Each time you rolled
Out of the bed
Always leaving
To stay one step ahead

Karma
Saw the pain you caused
When they said
You are all I need
But you lied then paused
Because all you wanted was to be free

Karma
Said you’ll see me again
I will haunt you until
You begin
To deal with your heart
From within
Giving truth and love a chance
To win

Love, Honesty & Jealousy

Love, Honesty & Jealousy

jealous“Who tells a person I am going to visit my ex’s family? Who does that?” Yes, who does that. I do that because being honest and upfront fares much better than being shady. Being a person who respects other’s feelings, I think it’s best to keep things in the open. Lay everything on the table so that there is no speculation and no misunderstandings.

Now I am not the type of woman who has several intimate relationships. But I do maintain friendships. I am clear about what I want. Recently I felt the pangs of some jealousy when another’s company was preferred over mine. It made some thoughts come up that did not rest well with me. Made me want to question some things the next time we spoke.

But I quickly realized that perhaps I don’t want to know everything. Had I asked those questions I might have received way more than I was willing to deal with. So I didn’t ask the questions. I am content with not knowing, with the speculation. Indeed, if I needed to know then surely I would find out.

So it happens again and I realize this time I am going to ask because there is obvious reason to do so. I ask the question and find out what I thought I didn’t want to know. The thing is that I didn’t get mad, not to say I didn’t care but it wasn’t a big deal. It was expected. What does that say? Does that mean I really don’t care for him? No it doesn’t. It means that I am so passed unnecessary drama.

If any man I am involved with doesn’t realize what they have with me, then they are crazy. It is their loss. I will not be pulled into a lot of unnecessary drama because people don’t know how to be adults. Relationships should be based on respect, honesty, and love. When you love someone you do your best not to hurt them and you respect them enough to keep your dirt away from them.

I have learned that dating in the mature world opens you up to different dilemmas. Rarely will you find a person who does not carry some past relationship baggage. Baby mamas, daddies, best friends, etc. How do you deal with a lingering ex who is always on the other end of the phone, always in the middle of you two? Do you ignore them? Do you make a big deal out of it? What do you do?

You have to be grounded in each other, in your love and know that no one can rock that. In order to do that it requires being honest and sometimes opening up the dialogue to include things that you normally would not discuss, like visiting your ex’s family.

Jealousy can kill love because a person can become so consumed with things that may not be true. But honesty can ward off some of the jealous thoughts. Most of the jealous thoughts I have are mostly when I don’t know what is going on. When the person is being secretive I begin to think something is happening that shouldn’t be. I don’t allow it to linger though because I know that what I give cannot be duplicated by another woman. Yes it may sound cocky but it’s true. I am who God made me to be. I don’t apologize for that.