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I Once Was Lost…

Lovers,

I have been introduced to another soul that speaks to my heart. Sabrina Claudio’s soulful ballads are uplifting. Her words in “Confidently Lost” resonates deep within me. How can one be confidently lost? I am confidently lost because I am on a road I have never traveled. At times I find myself wandering when I encounter new parts of the journey.

But I am confident about my path and my purpose. I am purposely leaving some things, people, ways, habits, mindsets, and beliefs behind me. As I look back on this year I see ups and downs, lots of emotional pain, more than most could probably bare because I was forced to face some truth. Truth about myself and how lost I have been most of my life. Running around in circles never finding an end.

But I have finally stopped running! I am standing here facing an uncertain future as I walk out this new journey in 2018. It’s a little scary because I am vulnerable. I have finally opened my heart to love. It’s great and I don’t know what to expect. Which is good because I can be surprised at what it will bring into my path. Expectations can ruin things sometimes. So I am open to where the love leads us.

She says in her song “I am confidently lost, I don’t need you to find me, I don’t need you to define me.” For the first time in my adult life I no longer need a man to define me because I know who I am as a woman and his woman. I am a mature woman who feels 15 years younger than she is. I am invigorated by life, all of it, even the shit that hurts. The pain shapes us and forces us to stand tall. Fortitude!  Which is what it should do. But I won’t allow it to cut off my heart from giving and receiving love.

I desire love in all areas of my life. I don’t want to dwell around people who cannot love life, themselves, and others. The negativity is life draining. So as she says in her song-“Thinking about where I am from If I belong there“- speaks to my decision to separate myself from the negativity.

Although my path is unknown, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am confident that I am not going back to anything I left in 2017. Goodbye heartache, negativity, jealousy, abuse, poverty, homelessness, fake friends, fake family, lies, deceit, selfishness, lack, loneliness, rejection, bondage, barriers, jobs with no purpose, people with no purpose, booty calls, and hiding.

I love you for supporting me over the last few years. This blog has been an evolution and transformation for me. There are bigger things coming from Fedora!!

Fedora Loves You! Peace

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry

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Calor Butter – The Confrontation

Butter realized that she really needed to do some serious self-reflecting before making a decision that would affect everything in her life. She sat down at the dressing table and stared intently at her reflection.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked herself.

“I am looking at you because you look different.” Calor responded.

“No, I don’t I am you, the same person.” She said.

“We have the same face, the same features, and the same smile but there is something different in the eyes. You look sad all the time.” Calor stated.

“I do not.” She insisted.

“Yes you do. You are retreating back to that scared little girl. You know the one who cried under the covers, while covering her ears to muffle out the sounds.” Calor taunted.

“What are you talking about Calor? I know who I am!” She yelled.

“You thought you did. Look you don’t even know your name. That’s her name, the little girl who allows fear to rule her life. Poor Butter scared of everything and everybody, especially men.” Calor said.

“I’m not scared of men. I have plenty of men in my life.” She insisted.

“Sure the ones you consider to be ‘safe’ that you try to control, that is if you call them men.” Calor laughed.

“Hmm you don’t know what you are talking about.” Butter said as she rolled her eyes at her reflection.

“Okay well what about your current boyfriend who relies on you for everything. He could not find his way out of a paper bag without you holding his hand. He cannot take care of you the way you really need and deserve yet you continue to hold on to him like you are so desperate.” Calor said.

“I am not desperate, he loves me and I love him.” She responded.

“It is time for you to find a real man, who can uplift you. Give you what you need instead of you always giving to them and not getting anything back. Look at you, you are tired and worn out. A real man would not run you into the ground like that. Badger you all the time and call you twenty times a day to say nothing because he has nothing to do. But this is what you call love.” Calor continued.

“Shut up! I don’t want to hear any more of this!” She yelled at herself.

“Oh you are going to listen because I am tired of this shit! I don’t want to do this anymore. I want my freedom. I want to be able to love and be loved by a real man. Not a little boy. So you are going to listen because it is time for you to face your fears.” Calor insisted.

“No!” She yelled.

“You tell yourself that you are a real woman and you know what you want but you play yourself down. You hide your true beauty and the best things about yourself behind the masks of fear. You tell yourself that you are happy but deep down in your heart you are yearning for more. Not just from the men but from yourself. You are unfulfilled and you lie to keep up the charade.” Calor continued.

“Stop it! I don’t do that.” She yelled covering her ears with her hands.

“Yes you do. You allowed yourself to gain an extra 40 lbs so that your shape would be different and men would not find you attractive. You stopped taking the time to pamper yourself and make yourself sexy because you don’t feel it anymore. You look in the mirror see that scared little girl and no way to get out of that scary existence. No way to make the noises stop, the voices are so loud that keep telling you that you will never measure up. They remind you of the fighting, the shouting, the touching, and the lack of love that surrounded your life as a child.” Calor said.

“I was loved, what do you mean by that?” Butter look astonished.

“Yeah in whose home did you group up? The one we were in was full of hate, fear, and selfishness. No love emanated from within those walls. That is why you don’t love yourself. You don’t know how to love. You don’t recognize love and still believe that it is a myth.” Calor said.

(Sniff, Sniff) The tears are rolling down her cheek.

“Why are you crying if none of this is true? It is time that you faced the truth. What is that saying? Oh yeah the truth shall set you free. That is what you need to do. You need to face the truth about who you are and stop living this damn lie.” Calor said.

“I don’t know how. This is all I know. I don’t even know where to start.” She replied.

“You can start by recognizing me. Hello I am Calor and I am the woman who is screaming to come out of you. I am sexy, bold, and beautiful.”

“I don’t know anything about those things.” She said.

“Yes you do, I have always been here. I was almost freed one time many years ago before you got married. But after that fiasco, I was buried, never to be heard of again.” Calor said.

“So how did you get out now?” She asked.

“Do you remember that man you met a few months ago who spoke all of those things to you about how beautiful you were and how he really wanted you. You remember the one you ran away from because you thought he was crazy, saying those things to you. He wanted to spoil you and take you out but you said no.” Calor said.

“Yes, I remember him. I was scared of him and thought he was going to hurt me. They all do you know. They say they want me but when they get me they tie me up and put me in a box. Then they treat me like I am their possession instead of their woman.” She said.

“Well he was real and I saw it, so I started clawing my way to surface. He would not give up easily and every time you had an encounter with him, I came up a little more. But now that I am back, I am not leaving. You will acknowledge me because I am you.” Calor said.

“But what do I do, how do I become you? I am so confused.” She asked.

“Oh baby you were always me and I was always you. Those demons pushed and pushed so hard until I was buried so far that you never remembered that I existed. But look at me, look into my eyes. Don’t you recognize that glimmer, the passion?” Calor said.

“Yes, I do remember seeing that before. I was passionate about many things but I settled for what I could get instead of going after those things.” She replied.

“Yes, I know but you don’t have to do that anymore. Allow me to come out and watch your world change for the better. You will be more confident and content with your life. Just allow me to escape please do not bury me again because this time I don’t think I will survive.” Calor pleaded.

“Not survive, what do you mean?” Shen asked.

“I mean that if you allow them to kill me then I will be gone forever. You will stay the way you are scared and lonely. But if you stand up now, put your faith in God, learn to love yourself, and find your strength again, we both will not only survive but live.”

“Okay, I can do that. I don’t want you to die. My life means too much to me and to God for me to just allow this to kill you without a fight. I will try my best. I will live!” She declared.

Man in the Mask

Everybody gets lost sometimes, gets off the right path and ends up regretting some decisions. But how did I get here, in this place, in this existence, looking at this person. Who is he? Where did he come from? Why don’t I recognize him? He’s wearing a mask. What’s behind his?

Mr. Serious
Always ready to say what’s on his mind
Never satisfied to stay behind

Mr. Mysterious
Casting his shadows on all the he sees
Never allowing them inside

Mr. Cool
Ready for whatever goes down
Always keeping his head up around town

Mr. Looking
For the women to fill his heart
Seeking her touch on all his parts

Daddy, Lover, My Man
This is him
Serious, mysterious
Cool and
Looking for you
Coming into his world to
Make things right

Love’s Touch

I have a love
His touch springs up
Butterflies in my tummy
Just thinking about him
Brings a smile to my face

In my eyes he is wonderfully
And perfectly made
His flaws are his crowns of glory
Shining through as he conquers them
For he is not his flaws
And they are not who he is

For nothing made so perfectly by God
With such a pure heart
Could ever be looked upon
As something bad

A Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

How are you? I know I keep you at a distance but I feel you often. You know it’s difficult for me to open that door. It only stays open but a short moment at a time. That’s about all I can handle. My Heart was not built to withstand the vulnerabilities of love. At least that’s what they kept trying to tell me. You know the advisors that are always whispering into your ear. Trying to convince you that your Heart is misleading you and it can’t be trusted.

Yes, that is what they have said. But I don’t believe them anymore. See I have watched you over the past year and I see something different inside you. You are moving a little quicker, pumping just a little harder, working very hard to build momentum. You are loving again! It looks good on you. Your color has changed and you smile more.

But heart my dear, I don’t want to be rescued because it indicates that I am weak, a victim needing assistance. I would much rather be redeemed. Being redeemed indicates that he is investing in my worth. But how will she be redeemed when she doesn’t know her worth? When she settles for far less than her father ever sought for his princess.

Yes dear, I learned that you must love self-first, good or indifferent. You must love yourself. You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and love all of you. Say to yourself in your current state. “I love you despite what you have done, you are worthy of so much more!”

Love who you are as you strive to live on purpose. Love the journey and grow, alone first. You must know yourself intimately before you allow another to know you that way. My dear heart this is how you guard yourself. Stay focused on your destiny and keep growing. Keep loving openly and honestly it will make you thrive. Love yourself dear heart, on purpose!

Fedora loves you.

Peace