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Now I am Found…

Now I am Found... by Fedora

Now I am found. Found in what. What has found me. I have found patience, faith, and determination in love. This is not my first time loving a man. But it is my first time deciding to stand and make this love work in our lives. Myles Munroe said that “love is not the foundation of marriage, you need knowledge and understanding.” The love comes easy. Often quickly but love alone cannot sustain the relationship.

This time I allowing to slow me down in the building of this love and commitment. I have learned that there are many forces opposed to love. Things or people destined to destroy the love relationship are in abundance. But finding support in successfully standing in your love relationship are scarce.

Recently I have seen several love relationships meltdown right in front of me. They shared common denominators, anger, pain, confusion, and ignorance. Yes, ignorance. People do not know how to understand each other enough to really love and support the person not their feelings.

Patience, willing spirit, and listening will tell you all you need to know. Even what’s wrong. Sometimes we turn a deaf ear to what’s wrong. This keeps us waiting longer because we cannot build with another when we are not whole ourselves. I know this because I lived this.

I told you that last time. I am confidently lost. I know who I am and I am confidently stumbling through my new path with a smile on my face and love in my heart. I am a whole woman who loves a broken man. He desires wholeness and is currently seeking it but it requires patience and understanding on my part.

Obtaining wholeness takes sacrifice, time, and perseverance. To become whole you first must sacrifice what you believe to be true and face your real truth. Acknowledge your shortcomings, face those painful moments, and who you have allowed yourself to become as a result of the pain. Then allow yourself time to heal. Healing means dealing with the pain. No more running. Let the tears fall. Say what you need to say. Then stand your ground on your new path. Don’t allow others to steal your newfound joy and love.

I am now in my period of standing. God has amazed me this year. Everywhere I turn He is there showing me how well I am loved. Abundance and favor has reigned on me since the new year began. I eagerly anticipate what the rest of this year will produce. I have taken ownership of my life and my path. I know what I deserve and will not accept anything less than that in any area of my life.

Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. I am living that in my life right now, as I watch things that were promised years ago manifest before my eyes with no delay. It is amazing, scary, and fulfilling at the same time. But there is no other place I would rather be.


Wherever you go

Wherever you go
That’s where I am
Watching you be
The quality man
Who intrigues me
With his swagger
With his mind
With his ways

He moves in ways
She doesn’t know
Scary at times
But never forgotten
Never dissatisfied
Just being his

I go where our hearts
Lead us
Discovering the
Next phase of US

Calor Butter – The Confrontation

Butter realized that she really needed to do some serious self-reflecting before making a decision that would affect everything in her life. She sat down at the dressing table and stared intently at her reflection.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked herself.

“I am looking at you because you look different.” Calor responded.

“No, I don’t I am you, the same person.” She said.

“We have the same face, the same features, and the same smile but there is something different in the eyes. You look sad all the time.” Calor stated.

“I do not.” She insisted.

“Yes you do. You are retreating back to that scared little girl. You know the one who cried under the covers, while covering her ears to muffle out the sounds.” Calor taunted.

“What are you talking about Calor? I know who I am!” She yelled.

“You thought you did. Look you don’t even know your name. That’s her name, the little girl who allows fear to rule her life. Poor Butter scared of everything and everybody, especially men.” Calor said.

“I’m not scared of men. I have plenty of men in my life.” She insisted.

“Sure the ones you consider to be ‘safe’ that you try to control, that is if you call them men.” Calor laughed.

“Hmm you don’t know what you are talking about.” Butter said as she rolled her eyes at her reflection.

“Okay well what about your current boyfriend who relies on you for everything. He could not find his way out of a paper bag without you holding his hand. He cannot take care of you the way you really need and deserve yet you continue to hold on to him like you are so desperate.” Calor said.

“I am not desperate, he loves me and I love him.” She responded.

“It is time for you to find a real man, who can uplift you. Give you what you need instead of you always giving to them and not getting anything back. Look at you, you are tired and worn out. A real man would not run you into the ground like that. Badger you all the time and call you twenty times a day to say nothing because he has nothing to do. But this is what you call love.” Calor continued.

“Shut up! I don’t want to hear any more of this!” She yelled at herself.

“Oh you are going to listen because I am tired of this shit! I don’t want to do this anymore. I want my freedom. I want to be able to love and be loved by a real man. Not a little boy. So you are going to listen because it is time for you to face your fears.” Calor insisted.

“No!” She yelled.

“You tell yourself that you are a real woman and you know what you want but you play yourself down. You hide your true beauty and the best things about yourself behind the masks of fear. You tell yourself that you are happy but deep down in your heart you are yearning for more. Not just from the men but from yourself. You are unfulfilled and you lie to keep up the charade.” Calor continued.

“Stop it! I don’t do that.” She yelled covering her ears with her hands.

“Yes you do. You allowed yourself to gain an extra 40 lbs so that your shape would be different and men would not find you attractive. You stopped taking the time to pamper yourself and make yourself sexy because you don’t feel it anymore. You look in the mirror see that scared little girl and no way to get out of that scary existence. No way to make the noises stop, the voices are so loud that keep telling you that you will never measure up. They remind you of the fighting, the shouting, the touching, and the lack of love that surrounded your life as a child.” Calor said.

“I was loved, what do you mean by that?” Butter look astonished.

“Yeah in whose home did you group up? The one we were in was full of hate, fear, and selfishness. No love emanated from within those walls. That is why you don’t love yourself. You don’t know how to love. You don’t recognize love and still believe that it is a myth.” Calor said.

(Sniff, Sniff) The tears are rolling down her cheek.

“Why are you crying if none of this is true? It is time that you faced the truth. What is that saying? Oh yeah the truth shall set you free. That is what you need to do. You need to face the truth about who you are and stop living this damn lie.” Calor said.

“I don’t know how. This is all I know. I don’t even know where to start.” She replied.

“You can start by recognizing me. Hello I am Calor and I am the woman who is screaming to come out of you. I am sexy, bold, and beautiful.”

“I don’t know anything about those things.” She said.

“Yes you do, I have always been here. I was almost freed one time many years ago before you got married. But after that fiasco, I was buried, never to be heard of again.” Calor said.

“So how did you get out now?” She asked.

“Do you remember that man you met a few months ago who spoke all of those things to you about how beautiful you were and how he really wanted you. You remember the one you ran away from because you thought he was crazy, saying those things to you. He wanted to spoil you and take you out but you said no.” Calor said.

“Yes, I remember him. I was scared of him and thought he was going to hurt me. They all do you know. They say they want me but when they get me they tie me up and put me in a box. Then they treat me like I am their possession instead of their woman.” She said.

“Well he was real and I saw it, so I started clawing my way to surface. He would not give up easily and every time you had an encounter with him, I came up a little more. But now that I am back, I am not leaving. You will acknowledge me because I am you.” Calor said.

“But what do I do, how do I become you? I am so confused.” She asked.

“Oh baby you were always me and I was always you. Those demons pushed and pushed so hard until I was buried so far that you never remembered that I existed. But look at me, look into my eyes. Don’t you recognize that glimmer, the passion?” Calor said.

“Yes, I do remember seeing that before. I was passionate about many things but I settled for what I could get instead of going after those things.” She replied.

“Yes, I know but you don’t have to do that anymore. Allow me to come out and watch your world change for the better. You will be more confident and content with your life. Just allow me to escape please do not bury me again because this time I don’t think I will survive.” Calor pleaded.

“Not survive, what do you mean?” Shen asked.

“I mean that if you allow them to kill me then I will be gone forever. You will stay the way you are scared and lonely. But if you stand up now, put your faith in God, learn to love yourself, and find your strength again, we both will not only survive but live.”

“Okay, I can do that. I don’t want you to die. My life means too much to me and to God for me to just allow this to kill you without a fight. I will try my best. I will live!” She declared.


Man in the Mask

Everybody gets lost sometimes, gets off the right path and ends up regretting some decisions. But how did I get here, in this place, in this existence, looking at this person. Who is he? Where did he come from? Why don’t I recognize him? He’s wearing a mask. What’s behind his?

Mr. Serious
Always ready to say what’s on his mind
Never satisfied to stay behind

Mr. Mysterious
Casting his shadows on all the he sees
Never allowing them inside

Mr. Cool
Ready for whatever goes down
Always keeping his head up around town

Mr. Looking
For the women to fill his heart
Seeking her touch on all his parts

Daddy, Lover, My Man
This is him
Serious, mysterious
Cool and
Looking for you
Coming into his world to
Make things right


Love’s Touch

I have a love
His touch springs up
Butterflies in my tummy
Just thinking about him
Brings a smile to my face

In my eyes he is wonderfully
And perfectly made
His flaws are his crowns of glory
Shining through as he conquers them
For he is not his flaws
And they are not who he is

For nothing made so perfectly by God
With such a pure heart
Could ever be looked upon
As something bad