How are you? I know I keep you at a distance but I feel you often. You know it’s difficult for me to open that door. It only stays open but a short moment at a time. That’s about all I can handle. My Heart was not built to withstand the vulnerabilities of love. At least that’s what they kept trying to tell me. You know the advisors that are always whispering into your ear. Trying to convince you that your Heart is misleading you and it can’t be trusted.
Yes, that is what they have said. But I don’t believe them anymore. See I have watched you over the past year and I see something different inside you. You are moving a little quicker, pumping just a little harder, working very hard to build momentum. You are loving again! It looks good on you. Your color has changed and you smile more.
But heart my dear, I don’t want to be rescued because it indicates that I am weak, a victim needing assistance. I would much rather be redeemed. Being redeemed indicates that he is investing in my worth. But how will she be redeemed when she doesn’t know her worth? When she settles for far less than her father ever sought for his princess.
Yes dear, I learned that you must love self-first, good or indifferent. You must love yourself. You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and love all of you. Say to yourself in your current state. “I love you despite what you have done, you are worthy of so much more!”
Love who you are as you strive to live on purpose. Love the journey and grow, alone first. You must know yourself intimately before you allow another to know you that way. My dear heart this is how you guard yourself. Stay focused on your destiny and keep growing. Keep loving openly and honestly it will make you thrive. Love yourself dear heart, on purpose!
Happiness is not something that many people believe is achievable. But the big question is what is happiness and what does it take to obtain it? For many years I believed that being happy meant having all the things that I wanted, like money, my own home, a good paying job, a husband, children, etc. But I had all of these things and still was not happy. So what exactly makes me happy?
As it turns out for me its peace. I have lived a life full of chaos. Chaos at home, at school, in the neighborhood I grew up in, and then in my marriage. I worked really hard to remove myself from as much of the chaos as I could. Realizing that I will never be totally free of it. But first and foremost I am at peace with myself. I realized that I was miserable in my marriage because I was miserable within myself. I did not like myself and was not at peace internally.
I spent many years working on me. I call it my selfish phase. Every decision I made and thing I pursued was for my personal gratification. Now I did not neglect the needs of my family. No, but how I spent my time and what I gave me energy to aside from my family obligations changed. It became all about my desires. What was so liberating about this was that it was quite the opposite of what I had done my entire life. I was always the one who sacrificed for others and always put myself on the back burner. But after coming out a miserable existence for over 20 of my adult years I made a serious change.
The end result of that was about my liberation and the acknowledgement of my peace. I truly love myself just as I am. I am not perfect. I am not a religious person. I love God but I don’t do everything I am supposed to do. I live my life to the best of my ability. I will never be sin free. It’s a fact! We were born sinners. But I do strive to be the best person I can. So I made some decisions in this process. Some that many may not agree with, especially some in the Christian community.
I took control of my sexuality. For years I was made to feel bad because of my desires. Because I have never been a traditional woman yet I tried to do the traditional things. I love men and I love sex. So I had to come to grips with what that really meant for me. Do I get another husband so that I can have “legal” sex knowing full well I run the risk of another failed relationship, one that is hell to get out of? Or do I make a decision to have an adult relationship that involves sex without marriage. This was not an easy decision because it meant going against what I was taught.
I was celibate by choice for over five years. I loved the process because I learned how to control my sexual desires. I learned about my body and how I relate to men. I learned about ways to be satisfied without intercourse. I learned how men view us a sexual beings and how much more precious intimacy is than sex. I learned the power of purity. But I also learned that I am a sexual being and that I thrive when I am in a true intimate relationship with someone I really care about and who cares about me.
I also learned that I may not be cut out for the commitment thing because I still cringe at the thought of being with someone on a daily basis. I actually appreciate being able to go home or them being able to go home. I may not be this way forever. But this is where I am right now. This is my reality and ironically this is part of what makes me happy.
I am writing, I am loving, I am working, and my kids are healthy. I am working towards some solid life goals that will come into existence this year. Individually I am in my sweet spot. Oh what a place to be and a great starting point for a committed relationship. People don’t realize that self-actualization is crucial to being a productive part of a committed relationship. Two broken people will not produce a solid whole committed relationship. They will produce a puzzle that each tries to make themselves fit into and every time they realize that the pieces don’t fit they end up in chaos, misery and unhappy.
Another person cannot make you happy If you are not happy internally, with yourself and your life in general. They can enhance your existing happiness and make it much sweeter. So stop trying to make that puzzle piece fit into your story to produce your happily ever after. Your happily ever after starts and ends with you. Invest in you first, find out who you are and what really makes you happy. Then you will attract everything else you need to complete your picture, just like a magnet. You will become contagious.