Tag Archives: atthispointinmylife

The Phenomenal Booty Call

It’s official. He’s crazy. An old lover came back apologizing for treating me bad, which he did. I recognized an opportunity so I decided to allow him back into my life after a brief hiatus. Daddy told me to always make sure I got what I wanted in any relationship with a man. If you are reading this Daddy, you would be proud of your Goddess.

Do you know he came back with the same game. No difference at all. When I called him on it all he could do was laugh. Lovers to say how embarrassed I was for him is being nice. I am not ashamed to admit that I got hooked up with the wrong man. But there was definitely something in it for me.

He was charming, handsome and the sex was phenomenal. But I know all too well that you can not build anything based on sex. So this time I took my time to see where he was leading.

When he first came back he was very attentive. He did and said all the right things. But it only lasted as long as it took for him to get what he wanted. Me in his bed. Well I was not mad when I left him that night. But he expected that I was going to stay with him, cuddle like we used to. Wrong!!!

Did he really think I hadn’t learned from him before. I had an agenda as well. I wanted sex from him just as much. So I equally used him. I never had any intention on staying. He gave me just what I wanted.

So I pull back and really start pushing him for more time, all the while knowing he can’t fulfill any of it. I am waiting to see how long before the shit hits the fan and he’s had enough.

It did not take long before he was already wanting to get out. Only the fool did not realize that he was being played the whole time. I never had any intention of resuming a relationship with him. Because I already knew the truth.

He is not quite mature enough for a real relationship with me. I knew that when I left him six months ago. This time I watched him. He was uncomfortable, didn’t know his place. He could not figure out where I was because I had changed.

I didn’t bring any bad to him only peace. He told me that I was his peace. But he brought me strife, lies, and chaos. The sad thing here is that he really does love me. But he has no clue what to do about it.

It takes a strong, confident man to love and guide me. That he is not because he still has much growing to do.

I saw him in a picture with his new woman and realized for the first time he really is not all I thought he was. She didn’t really get anything. I made the right call following my spirit six months ago and letting him go.

So today I continue that path as I say goodbye to him for the last time. I will not open this door again not even for the phenomenal booty call. Although I will always love him, I am thankful for my freedom.

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Happiness – At this point in my life

At this point in my life by Fedora
by #bossbabe from Pinterest

Happiness is not something that many people believe is achievable. But the big question is what is happiness and what does it take to obtain it? For many years I believed that being happy meant having all the things that I wanted, like money, my own home, a good paying job, a husband, children, etc. But I had all of these things and still was not happy. So what exactly makes me happy?

As it turns out for me its peace. I have lived a life full of chaos. Chaos at home, at school, in the neighborhood I grew up in, and then in my marriage. I worked really hard to remove myself from as much of the chaos as I could. Realizing that I will never be totally free of it. But first and foremost I am at peace with myself. I realized that I was miserable in my marriage because I was miserable within myself. I did not like myself and was not at peace internally.

I spent many years working on me. I call it my selfish phase. Every decision I made and thing I pursued was for my personal gratification. Now I did not neglect the needs of my family. No, but how I spent my time and what I gave me energy to aside from my family obligations changed. It became all about my desires. What was so liberating about this was that it was quite the opposite of what I had done my entire life. I was always the one who sacrificed for others and always put myself on the back burner. But after coming out a miserable existence for over 20 of my adult years I made a serious change.

The end result of that was about my liberation and the acknowledgement of my peace. I truly love myself just as I am. I am not perfect. I am not a religious person. I love God but I don’t do everything I am supposed to do. I live my life to the best of my ability. I will never be sin free. It’s a fact! We were born sinners. But I do strive to be the best person I can. So I made some decisions in this process. Some that many may not agree with, especially some in the Christian community.

I took control of my sexuality. For years I was made to feel bad because of my desires. Because I have never been a traditional woman yet I tried to do the traditional things. I love men and I love sex. So I had to come to grips with what that really meant for me. Do I get another husband so that I can have “legal” sex knowing full well I run the risk of another failed relationship, one that is hell to get out of? Or do I make a decision to have an adult relationship that involves sex without marriage. This was not an easy decision because it meant going against what I was taught.

I was celibate by choice for over five years. I loved the process because I learned how to control my sexual desires. I learned about my body and how I relate to men. I learned about ways to be satisfied without intercourse. I learned how men view us a sexual beings and how much more precious intimacy is than sex. I learned the power of purity. But I also learned that I am a sexual being and that I thrive when I am in a true intimate relationship with someone I really care about and who cares about me.

I also learned that I may not be cut out for the commitment thing because I still cringe at the thought of being with someone on a daily basis. I actually appreciate being able to go home or them being able to go home. I may not be this way forever. But this is where I am right now. This is my reality and ironically this is part of what makes me happy.

I am writing, I am loving, I am working, and my kids are healthy. I am working towards some solid life goals that will come into existence this year. Individually I am in my sweet spot. Oh what a place to be and a great starting point for a committed relationship. People don’t realize that self-actualization is crucial to being a productive part of a committed relationship. Two broken people will not produce a solid whole committed relationship. They will produce a puzzle that each tries to make themselves fit into and every time they realize that the pieces don’t fit they end up in chaos, misery and unhappy.

Another person cannot make you happy If you are not happy internally, with yourself and your life in general. They can enhance your existing happiness and make it much sweeter. So stop trying to make that puzzle piece fit into your story to produce your happily ever after. Your happily ever after starts and ends with you. Invest in you first, find out who you are and what really makes you happy. Then you will attract everything else you need to complete your picture, just like a magnet. You will become contagious.