Category Archives: Transformation

Poems about growth.

I Once Was Lost…

Lovers,

I have been introduced to another soul that speaks to my heart. Sabrina Claudio’s soulful ballads are uplifting. Her words in “Confidently Lost” resonates deep within me. How can one be confidently lost? I am confidently lost because I am on a road I have never traveled. At times I find myself wandering when I encounter new parts of the journey.

But I am confident about my path and my purpose. I am purposely leaving some things, people, ways, habits, mindsets, and beliefs behind me. As I look back on this year I see ups and downs, lots of emotional pain, more than most could probably bare because I was forced to face some truth. Truth about myself and how lost I have been most of my life. Running around in circles never finding an end.

But I have finally stopped running! I am standing here facing an uncertain future as I walk out this new journey in 2018. It’s a little scary because I am vulnerable. I have finally opened my heart to love. It’s great and I don’t know what to expect. Which is good because I can be surprised at what it will bring into my path. Expectations can ruin things sometimes. So I am open to where the love leads us.

She says in her song “I am confidently lost, I don’t need you to find me, I don’t need you to define me.” For the first time in my adult life I no longer need a man to define me because I know who I am as a woman and his woman. I am a mature woman who feels 15 years younger than she is. I am invigorated by life, all of it, even the shit that hurts. The pain shapes us and forces us to stand tall. Fortitude!  Which is what it should do. But I won’t allow it to cut off my heart from giving and receiving love.

I desire love in all areas of my life. I don’t want to dwell around people who cannot love life, themselves, and others. The negativity is life draining. So as she says in her song-“Thinking about where I am from If I belong there“- speaks to my decision to separate myself from the negativity.

Although my path is unknown, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am confident that I am not going back to anything I left in 2017. Goodbye heartache, negativity, jealousy, abuse, poverty, homelessness, fake friends, fake family, lies, deceit, selfishness, lack, loneliness, rejection, bondage, barriers, jobs with no purpose, people with no purpose, booty calls, and hiding.

I love you for supporting me over the last few years. This blog has been an evolution and transformation for me. There are bigger things coming from Fedora!!

Fedora Loves You! Peace

Fedora Loves You. Fedora Loves Poetry

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The Phenomenal Booty Call

It’s official. He’s crazy. An old lover came back apologizing for treating me bad, which he did. I recognized an opportunity so I decided to allow him back into my life after a brief hiatus. Daddy told me to always make sure I got what I wanted in any relationship with a man. If you are reading this Daddy, you would be proud of your Goddess.

Do you know he came back with the same game. No difference at all. When I called him on it all he could do was laugh. Lovers to say how embarrassed I was for him is being nice. I am not ashamed to admit that I got hooked up with the wrong man. But there was definitely something in it for me.

He was charming, handsome and the sex was phenomenal. But I know all too well that you can not build anything based on sex. So this time I took my time to see where he was leading.

When he first came back he was very attentive. He did and said all the right things. But it only lasted as long as it took for him to get what he wanted. Me in his bed. Well I was not mad when I left him that night. But he expected that I was going to stay with him, cuddle like we used to. Wrong!!!

Did he really think I hadn’t learned from him before. I had an agenda as well. I wanted sex from him just as much. So I equally used him. I never had any intention on staying. He gave me just what I wanted.

So I pull back and really start pushing him for more time, all the while knowing he can’t fulfill any of it. I am waiting to see how long before the shit hits the fan and he’s had enough.

It did not take long before he was already wanting to get out. Only the fool did not realize that he was being played the whole time. I never had any intention of resuming a relationship with him. Because I already knew the truth.

He is not quite mature enough for a real relationship with me. I knew that when I left him six months ago. This time I watched him. He was uncomfortable, didn’t know his place. He could not figure out where I was because I had changed.

I didn’t bring any bad to him only peace. He told me that I was his peace. But he brought me strife, lies, and chaos. The sad thing here is that he really does love me. But he has no clue what to do about it.

It takes a strong, confident man to love and guide me. That he is not because he still has much growing to do.

I saw him in a picture with his new woman and realized for the first time he really is not all I thought he was. She didn’t really get anything. I made the right call following my spirit six months ago and letting him go.

So today I continue that path as I say goodbye to him for the last time. I will not open this door again not even for the phenomenal booty call. Although I will always love him, I am thankful for my freedom.

Man in the Mask

Everybody gets lost sometimes, gets off the right path and ends up regretting some decisions. But how did I get here, in this place, in this existence, looking at this person. Who is he? Where did he come from? Why don’t I recognize him? He’s wearing a mask. What’s behind his?

Mr. Serious
Always ready to say what’s on his mind
Never satisfied to stay behind

Mr. Mysterious
Casting his shadows on all the he sees
Never allowing them inside

Mr. Cool
Ready for whatever goes down
Always keeping his head up around town

Mr. Looking
For the women to fill his heart
Seeking her touch on all his parts

Daddy, Lover, My Man
This is him
Serious, mysterious
Cool and
Looking for you
Coming into his world to
Make things right

A Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

How are you? I know I keep you at a distance but I feel you often. You know it’s difficult for me to open that door. It only stays open but a short moment at a time. That’s about all I can handle. My Heart was not built to withstand the vulnerabilities of love. At least that’s what they kept trying to tell me. You know the advisors that are always whispering into your ear. Trying to convince you that your Heart is misleading you and it can’t be trusted.

Yes, that is what they have said. But I don’t believe them anymore. See I have watched you over the past year and I see something different inside you. You are moving a little quicker, pumping just a little harder, working very hard to build momentum. You are loving again! It looks good on you. Your color has changed and you smile more.

But heart my dear, I don’t want to be rescued because it indicates that I am weak, a victim needing assistance. I would much rather be redeemed. Being redeemed indicates that he is investing in my worth. But how will she be redeemed when she doesn’t know her worth? When she settles for far less than her father ever sought for his princess.

Yes dear, I learned that you must love self-first, good or indifferent. You must love yourself. You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and love all of you. Say to yourself in your current state. “I love you despite what you have done, you are worthy of so much more!”

Love who you are as you strive to live on purpose. Love the journey and grow, alone first. You must know yourself intimately before you allow another to know you that way. My dear heart this is how you guard yourself. Stay focused on your destiny and keep growing. Keep loving openly and honestly it will make you thrive. Love yourself dear heart, on purpose!

Fedora loves you.

Peace