Lover’s I realize that I am in a healing space right now. Someone has hurt me deeply to the core of my being and I must forgive them. It has been hard because the people who hurt me are people I love.
I must forgive so that I can move on but I do not forget. Nor do I allow those people back into my life so easily. They have to earn a place in my life. They have to earn my trust, loyalty, love again. It will not be freely given.
Should they choose not to return, that is just fine. I have made peace with all of them. I have found my safe place and have managed just fine without them. Yes I miss them sometimes but being alone is worth the peace I have gained.
To those who are still selfishly hurting others. Take a minute and consider your own pain. Imagine someone digging a weapon in your open wound and how unbearable it would be emotionally. That’s what you are doing to the people you are using, lying to, cheating, betraying, all for your own selfish gain. Realize that your pain will stop when you stop causing pain to others.
I’m too numb to feel pain
I’m too grown to play this game
How’d I get here?
You’re too young to fall in love (fall in love) Too dumb to give up
How’d we get here?
I can see it in your distant eyes
The things you tell yourself is lies
I swear you wanna compromise
But then again what do I know?
You tell me I should take my time
That we should both go live our lives
See I don’t wanna cross no lines
But there’s just one thing you should know
And it’s alright if you are, you can stay (hey)
Take your time ’cause you know that I’ll wait
I’ll wait patiently
Through sunshine and rain
Cigarettes and shame
Somehow I got here
You tell me enough’s enough
Then you’re gone again and hit me up
Tell me what’s going on hereJust drink a little more red wine
Come on baby let’s unwind
We can watch another sunrise
But then again, what do I know?
See I don’t wanna change my mind (change my mind)
And I don’t want to leave you behind (leave you behind)
Never wanna compromise
But there’s just one thing you should know
That it’s alright if you want, I can stay
No, I can stay (yeah)
Take your time ’cause you know that I’ll wait
I’ll wait patiently
Patiently
I said patiently
Take your time ’cause you know that I’ll wait, yeah
I’ll wait patient
I have been introduced to another soul that speaks to my heart. Sabrina Claudio’s soulful ballads are uplifting. Her words in “Confidently Lost” resonates deep within me. How can one be confidently lost? I am confidently lost because I am on a road I have never traveled. At times I find myself wandering when I encounter new parts of the journey.
But I am confident about my path and my purpose. I am purposely leaving some things, people, ways, habits, mindsets, and beliefs behind me. As I look back on this year I see ups and downs, lots of emotional pain, more than most could probably bare because I was forced to face some truth. Truth about myself and how lost I have been most of my life. Running around in circles never finding an end.
But I have finally stopped running! I am standing here facing an uncertain future as I walk out this new journey in 2018. It’s a little scary because I am vulnerable. I have finally opened my heart to love. It’s great and I don’t know what to expect. Which is good because I can be surprised at what it will bring into my path. Expectations can ruin things sometimes. So I am open to where the love leads us.
She says in her song “I am confidently lost, I don’t need you to find me, I don’t need you to define me.” For the first time in my adult life I no longer need a man to define me because I know who I am as a woman and his woman. I am a mature woman who feels 15 years younger than she is. I am invigorated by life, all of it, even the shit that hurts. The pain shapes us and forces us to stand tall. Fortitude! Which is what it should do. But I won’t allow it to cut off my heart from giving and receiving love.
I desire love in all areas of my life. I don’t want to dwell around people who cannot love life, themselves, and others. The negativity is life draining. So as she says in her song-“Thinking about where I am from If I belong there“- speaks to my decision to separate myself from the negativity.
Although my path is unknown, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am confident that I am not going back to anything I left in 2017. Goodbye heartache, negativity, jealousy, abuse, poverty, homelessness, fake friends, fake family, lies, deceit, selfishness, lack, loneliness, rejection, bondage, barriers, jobs with no purpose, people with no purpose, booty calls, and hiding.
I love you for supporting me over the last few years. This blog has been an evolution and transformation for me. There are bigger things coming from Fedora!!
It’s official. He’s crazy. An old lover came back apologizing for treating me bad, which he did. I recognized an opportunity so I decided to allow him back into my life after a brief hiatus. Daddy told me to always make sure I got what I wanted in any relationship with a man. If you are reading this Daddy, you would be proud of your Goddess.
Do you know he came back with the same game. No difference at all. When I called him on it all he could do was laugh. Lovers to say how embarrassed I was for him is being nice. I am not ashamed to admit that I got hooked up with the wrong man. But there was definitely something in it for me.
He was charming, handsome and the sex was phenomenal. But I know all too well that you can not build anything based on sex. So this time I took my time to see where he was leading.
When he first came back he was very attentive. He did and said all the right things. But it only lasted as long as it took for him to get what he wanted. Me in his bed. Well I was not mad when I left him that night. But he expected that I was going to stay with him, cuddle like we used to. Wrong!!!
Did he really think I hadn’t learned from him before. I had an agenda as well. I wanted sex from him just as much. So I equally used him. I never had any intention on staying. He gave me just what I wanted.
So I pull back and really start pushing him for more time, all the while knowing he can’t fulfill any of it. I am waiting to see how long before the shit hits the fan and he’s had enough.
It did not take long before he was already wanting to get out. Only the fool did not realize that he was being played the whole time. I never had any intention of resuming a relationship with him. Because I already knew the truth.
He is not quite mature enough for a real relationship with me. I knew that when I left him six months ago. This time I watched him. He was uncomfortable, didn’t know his place. He could not figure out where I was because I had changed.
I didn’t bring any bad to him only peace. He told me that I was his peace. But he brought me strife, lies, and chaos. The sad thing here is that he really does love me. But he has no clue what to do about it.
It takes a strong, confident man to love and guide me. That he is not because he still has much growing to do.
I saw him in a picture with his new woman and realized for the first time he really is not all I thought he was. She didn’t really get anything. I made the right call following my spirit six months ago and letting him go.
So today I continue that path as I say goodbye to him for the last time. I will not open this door again not even for the phenomenal booty call. Although I will always love him, I am thankful for my freedom.
