Lovers, you know my struggle in my journey with love. Especially loving myself. As things come back to my memory I am able to see the difference between LOVE and LUST. First, let’s be honest, we all love a little lust. It can be quite tasty. But a relationship can neither be built nor sustained by LUST alone.
Lust drove what I thought to be a love relationship, for almost 30 years. You may have heard me refer to him as, “The 30-yr Fling.” In the beginning, I believe there was love but the course of our entanglement showed that we were not being bound together. I was also never faithful in any relationships. I was fearful of the bindings of love.
So, I decided to dally down the Lustful Lane. Having been off that road for so long, I can now see how the lust kept me in a cycle with a variety of men, instead of just one man. Lustful Lane is not about creating ties, it is about releasing. Releasing stress, releasing fears, releasing emotions, releasing love, and releasing pain. The goal of lust is never to bind, to create, or to give. The cycle gets stale rather quickly, because there is no growth. That’s how the cycle begins. You start all over with another person, just to fulfill the short-lived satisfaction of lust.
It took me many years to understand that lust was the basis of our relationship, not love. We would always end up beginning again but it was never sustained, we never grew, we only hurt each other and others attached to us. I also noticed that I was easily intimate with other men because there was no tie, no binding to him. So I stayed in a constant cycle of lust and men.
Valley of L
In the middle you are able to see the lanes for both, Love and Lust. You sit there looking at each path not sure which will lead you where. In my valley I was overly familiar with the Lustful Lane. I knew what waited for me down that path. During my time of celibacy, I did more thinking before acting. I sat in the Valley of L for quite a while, because it was a crossroad for me. This was my first time on the outside of that lust cycle and I was fully aware that was still an option.
During my celibacy I discovered “The Power of the Pussy” (yes it’s a Fedora poem), the power of purity, and the power of self love. In the valley I learned who I was as a woman and what was needed to maintain myself so that I may fully love self and others. You cannot fully love another until you love yourself unconditionally.
I know the power of my pussy now and how it causes binding to the men who enter her. But the type of binding depends upon what lane we are traveling on and what is being released. Yes, there are many lustful women out here. The bible speaks of many, like the immoral woman in Proverbs. Some choose Lustful Lane because, like I said before, at times it can be quite tasty. But that is always short lived. That is what I learned and now what drives me as I consider my two choices out of this valley.
Remnants of Lust
How do I recognize love and avoid lust? That was my dilemma on coming out of the valley. Lust can masquerade as love and fool you into wasting time and energy on fruitless endeavors. Think about the one who says they love you but when you need them, oops, my bad, I was working. But as soon as they need a release, they hit you up. Your heart is a yo-yo and you are confused. The only way out of this cycle is to stop the sex and stop the cycle.
This is how I ventured into the Love Lane. I had no experience here and sister Lust reared her head. But I decided that I would not act quickly sexually. I was now discerning who could enter me. So I dabbled slowly. I did release some lustful moments with some friends but no intercourse. I decided I was done with the lustful lane because I was giving way too much away and not receiving anything to help me grow and love myself. It is like wasted seeds in the desert.
One of my online friends, I called him “Daddy”. I know. Well, Daddy told me when I entered into something with a man, whether it leads to intercourse or not, to make sure I get what I want out of the situation. In other words, “Don’t sell yourself short!’ For me, it meant slowing down and counting the costs of the choice before leaping. This kept me from going down some paths that were potentially dangerous. I didn’t quite know what I was looking for on Love Lane. But I did know what to avoid on Lustful Lane.
Anchor of Love
Lustful Lane still enticed me and is where we met. But when we saw each other in person, it was something different. The attraction was stronger, there was no doubt, for me, that I was going to break my celibacy. Which I did. But as we grew, I learned that it wasn’t lust that drove me this time.
Very soon into the journey, we became connected. I remember the morning we were, “Lost in the Moment” (Yes, another Fedora poem). I knew we were now on Love Lane. I stopped talking to my other male friends. I desired to only be with him in all ways. But our situation was complicated and we found ourselves having to put “US” on the back burner.
So now I am literally single, but my heart and body are committed to him. We proceeded with an open relationship. We stayed connected but had an open door to explore other relationships. I attempted to date other men. I was surely attracted to quite a few people in my path, but each time I tried to take a step towards intimacy with them, I backed up.
My body wanted male companionship, but I could not allow another man to touch me intimately. Surely this was unusual, because I had never experienced this in my other relationships. On Lustful Lane, the door was always open and ready. But my heart and my body responded differently on Love Lane.
I am not saying that lust has disappeared either. It still peeks around the corner and calls to me. But my intimate love connection is stronger than the call of lust. Our love is grounded in “Pain, Passion, and Purity” (Another Fedora post), which helps maintain the journey on Love Lane.
Fedora loves you. Peace!