Just some of Fedora's thoughts on...

Love By Choice, Not By Need

Love by choice, not by need

I always share the positive side of love because that’s my purpose. However, I do realize that there are many unhealthy relationships in existence that are being prolonged by codependency but are masquerading as love. So how do you know that you are choosing love versus needing love?

Have you ever heard the term codependency? It’s when you live under the falsehood that you can control how someone feels by controlling them, things, and situations. Codependent people love out of need not by choice. They love in an attempt to make themselves whole or feel better. This myth however never materializes into anything real. They are left living in a rose shaded world that only exists to them. The love they thought they had was only something they were trying to create and control.

Love is a choice. But how do you know that you are choosing to love because it’s real and not because you are trying to feed some sort of need within yourself? Codependents need the love of their partner to feel whole. When you choose to love a partner, you are already an independent whole person and you are choosing to share yourself and your heart with another.

Attempting to build a relationship on a codependent foundation is like building a house on sand. Eventually the weight of the unhealthy love will crumble and the relationship will fail. A healthy love relationship must be built on a solid foundation between two people who are independently whole and sound themselves. You cannot expect that another person is going to make everything in your life better.

If you have a sense of being dependent on your lover to make you feel better or you don’t feel okay being separated from them you may be experiencing an unhealthy love. In a healthy relationship, distance should enhance your love not threaten it. Codependents feel threatened when their method of coping is taken away. Suddenly they are not safe, not okay, and need to regain their balance. But in a healthy relationship when you are away from the one you love, you do miss them, but you don’t feel like the world is falling apart rather it deepens your love for them.

Picture from yinyangmother.com
Picture from yinyangmother.com

I choose to love not because I need a man to make me whole or make me feel better about myself. There was a time in my life when I needed love. But not anymore. Praise God for healing my heart and showing me that his love was all I ever needed and that self-love is the first step to successfully loving others. I am at a point in my life where I am content, happy and at peace alone. Yes, I do love another because I choose to love him. I have learned that it is good to keep boundaries and allow each other the space to grow. When you overlap that is a sign that you are probably in an unhealthy space. The goal is to be in unison and work towards a union. Like in the yin yang symbol they come together to form one whole, not overlap and drown each other. They remain independent but together. That is the goal of healthy love.

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