True change starts in the heart. Motivate with love.Motivation

I am a big fan of motivating others to be the best they can. I encourage others to pursue things that they are passionate about. To be the type of person God made them to be realizing that they are not perfect, flawed but blessed. I love and accept people for who they are and where they are. Sometimes that means when they are not in a very positive state.

I have recently been introduced to a person who is very outspoken on issues relating to the black community specifically black women. I sought additional resources and asked some of my male friends their take on the issues as well. What I found out floored me. This issue is much bigger than I thought. Not only that but some people who call themselves shining a light on the issues may be doing more harm than good.


I am all for free speech and each to their own opinion but when you fail to give back to the community a solution that will help empower and uplift them then who are you really doing all this for social change or self-gain? I am not going to mention the name of the person because I don’t want to give them any advertisement. I just want to speak about my experience of an potentially be motivated by someone who fills their heart with the negative vibes of this person and not with love. I don’t understand how anyone can say that spewing hateful things and talking about people without providing solutions is not negative and hateful even if it’s true. Truth based on love brings healing and solutions for change. Truth based on hate and anger brings more hurt and anger. Hate breeds hate, just like love breeds love.

I recently wrote in my post “How to Soften His Heart” that you can get more bees with honey than you can with a stick any day. If you beat that hive with a stick, I guarantee you the bees will attack and sting you. But if you dangle some honey on that stick, they will gravitate towards it and feast on it. Not only because it’s good but you are feeding them their favorite food. You are identifying with their natural being. The same applies when you want to motivate another person to do something beneficial. The most important thing is to first examine your motives for doing so. Are you really tapping into the being of that person and helping them to fulfill their personal goals and aspirations? Or are you trying to mold and shape them into something you want for your own selfish reasons? Motive makes a difference.

The Body God Gave You

Most of the women I know have serious self-esteem issues. They simply don’t like themselves, much less love themselves. I used to be one of those women. I worked hard through therapy and spiritual guidance to allow God to heal the wounds that caused me to hate myself and others. I was on my way to becoming a bitter woman who bashed men and lumped them into one category because they have a penis. Which as I so sorely found out some black men do to black women. They bash them because they remind them of a woman who hurt them in their childhood or past relationship. If you look a certain way, you are stereotyped as a whore. Now there are some women who do the same to men. Neither breeds anything good or beneficial. It’s sad and too big of an issue for this post. But I promise to address it later.

It is a fact that black women are curvier and more big boned than other women. That is how God created us. There are some who believe that if you don’t fit into that stupid weight chart there is something wrong with you even when you are healthy. Society has painted a picture that beautiful is skinny flat and straight. To some people it is but being curvy and thick is also beautiful. As it stands most curvy women get a bad rap. But during my healing I have come to love my body as it is realizing that yes I would love to improve on certain areas, which I work on. But I also made a decision that I don’t want to be skinny or a certain size, I want to find my healthy weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Guess what I used to be skinny yep wore size 9. But as I got older my body changed. I love to look at myself in the mirror and admire my shape, my complexion, my eyes, and my natural hair. Yes, I love me! So why would someone so close to me decide that I needed to be motivated to lose weight so that “my light could shine” as to allude to the fact that skinny is better than thick. What hurts is that they didn’t recognize that my light is already shining.

The thing is that I heard this before. You should be healthy and concerned about your health. Well I am. I recently lost about 20 lbs. in the last year after making some serious lifestyle changes. I am still in the process of my change. So what would possess this person to feel as though they had the right to assault my character simply because they wanted me to do what they wanted? I am also not hating on skinny women because guess what that is how God made them. We have to embrace and love who God made us to be. Change what you can and love what you can’t.

When I would not readily conform to their request, they proceeded to insult me. By telling me that I was camouflaging myself with accessories and begged me to change for them. Why would I want to change who I am, who God made me to be, the woman God spent all of these years teaching me to accept, embrace and love as she is, for someone who looks at me with such a superficial lens? Just in case you all don’t know physical beauty fades with age. It’s just a reality and anyone who believes they can cheat it is lying to themselves. So ladies and gentlemen understand that while the outer appearances are part of the attraction you ultimately need to love and accept the person. If you love someone because of how they look, you will be disappointed when they change.

All it takes is for them to get sick, have a trauma, get depressed, or simply let life kick them enough to get them down and their physical appearances can change. So what will you do? Attack their character and make them feel worse or continue to love the person until they heal and get through this rough patch in their life? If your love for someone is that superficial then you are cheating yourself because the love is not real.

Casualty of War

I got caught in the middle of a war that I was unaware of and I lost without ever knowing I was in a fight. My feelings got hurt as I watched someone try to tear me down under the guise of motivation so that they could attempt to control me. Just after God spent many years saving me from that very situation. Understand my men that I choose to be a submissive woman because it is the rightful order of things and I love dominant men. But being dominant does not give them the right to tear down the person who submits to them. Quite the contrary, they are supposed to build them to be their best, not mold them into some wooden statue puppet on strings. That is called bondage and slavery when you are not expected to have a voice or an opinion and are expected to be the way someone else thinks you should in order to serve their purpose and not God’s. But guess what there are some people who want that, just make sure you are pouring that type of dominance into the right person.

This type of dominance may not always be good or beneficial to either of you. So it is important to submit and lead with your heart, not a hard one either. Both need to be healed and whole in order to have a fruit producing relationship. Being a person of authority is a great responsibility and when you exercise a certain level of influence you have the potential to do just as much harm as good.

Therefore, one should tread lightly with how to motivate. Motivate out of love, not to hurt, but to uplift, not for selfish gain, but for the better good, not by your selfish desire, but the desire of God’s heart. First learn who the person really is and help them tap into their best parts. Everyone wants to be loved and respected for who they are not shaped and molded into someone they are not.


Men You Are Blind

Men You are Blind - Man's Revelation by Fedora

The rose that grew
From the concrete
Recognized his flaws
One day he got a glimpse of
His shadow on the ground

The reflection of
His wilted leaf
It saddened him because
For the first time
He saw the results
Of life on the street

Always struggling
To get proper nourishment
From the soil beneath
The hard concrete
Where he lived
Most of his life

Amazed he was able
To grow at all
He realized that
He did bloom

Despite the constant struggle
To plant his roots
In a ground that
Was always against him
Always fighting him
Never feeding him
Never inviting him

But today
The sun shines
Upon the face of his petals
Revealing their true beauty
Reminding him that
There is an abundance
Of life within his stem

He soaks in as much
Sun, water and admiration
As he can
To attract the attention
of the one
Who will adore him
Enough to pick him

He wants to be his best
He wants to give his all
He wants to grow
Richer and taller
Than all the others before him
For it is his destiny

How to Soften His Heart Part 2 – The Contentious Woman

Roles Reversed

How to Soften His Heart Part 2 - The Contentious Woman by FedoraConsider this scenario when a high-powered career woman brings her power home and attempts to dominate her husband. She attempts to overrule him by shouting, speaking disrespectfully to him, cutting him off when he is speaking, and overriding his instructions to do her own thing. He immediately shuts her down and does not respond to her. She continues getting louder, meaner, and more demanding. He turns a deaf ear to her and refuses to talk to her. Then she complains because he won’t communicate and continues to fuss regardless of whether he responds or not. She continues to nag him daily getting the same response from him. Eventually he begins spending more time out of the house as to avoid this daily scene. Sound familiar?

A real man will earn his woman’s respect which includes not allowing her to speak to him in a disrespectful manner. The same applies to the woman, she earns a level of respect with her man and will not allow him to speak to her in a disrespectful manner. But many people harbor hurt and unresolved relational issues that they carry into their relationships. Sometimes their current partner are not the ones who hurt them but they treat them as though they were. The man may do something to hurt his wife, that has absolutely nothing to do with her. The wife may respond by shutting down emotionally being disrespectful to her husband. They both have allowed past hurts to reverse the roles in their relationship. Ladies even if your man did something to hurt you in the relationship, it is not a license to disrespect him because it will not repair the rift that exists between you, it will make it wider.

How to Soften His Heart by Fedora
“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and fault-finding woman.” Proverbs 21:9 AMP
Ladies, to love a real man and earn his respect you must break this vicious cycle of pain. You have to deal with your issues first. Face the pain and disappointment that has caused you to distrust men. Look at yourself in the mirror and yell at yourself the way you are yelling at your man. How does it feel? Do you feel compelled to respond in a positive way? Neither does he. Which is why he shuts you down and doesn’t communicate with you. The way to a man’s heart is not by being loud, disrespectful, quarrelsome, nagging, and obnoxious.

Catch more bees with honey

I heard an analogy this weekend where honey was used to show how you can attract all types of things because your hands are sticky. This is true because the sticky nature of honey will make almost anything stick to it even things you may not want. But honey is also sweet. Sweet things bring out goodness, satisfaction, and cravings for more of those sweet things. The same applies to having a sweet loving demeanor. It brings out goodness in the people who are exposed to it and its sticky. They will achieve so much satisfaction that they will begin to seek more of it. You will see people gravitate to you.

If you were presented with a person who is mean and grumpy versus someone who is loving and caring, which person would you gravitate towards? Men state that sometimes they don’t even speak to certain women because of how they carry themselves. When they attempt to say hello, they will give them a “Don’t you talk to me!” look instead of a warm smile that says “Hello.” That same woman will go home and question why men aren’t talking to them. Never realizing that they are pushing them away with their demeanor.

A successful relationship takes two people who are willing to deal with their shortcomings and not allow them to hinder their ability to love and care for their partner. If you know you are not able to do that, then you should not be in a relationship because all relationships require compromise. It is not about you anymore! It is selfish to punish someone else because you are unahappy with yourself. Another person cannot cure your unhappiness and make you love yourself. Attempting to do so will bring heartache to both of you.



Love, Honesty & Jealousy

Love, Honesty & Jealousy

jealous“Who tells a person I am going to visit my ex’s family? Who does that?” Yes, who does that. I do that because being honest and upfront fares much better than being shady. Being a person who respects other’s feelings, I think it’s best to keep things in the open. Lay everything on the table so that there is no speculation and no misunderstandings.

Now I am not the type of woman who has several intimate relationships. But I do maintain friendships. I am clear about what I want. Recently I felt the pangs of some jealousy when another’s company was preferred over mine. It made some thoughts come up that did not rest well with me. Made me want to question some things the next time we spoke.

But I quickly realized that perhaps I don’t want to know everything. Had I asked those questions I might have received way more than I was willing to deal with. So I didn’t ask the questions. I am content with not knowing, with the speculation. Indeed, if I needed to know then surely I would find out.

So it happens again and I realize this time I am going to ask because there is obvious reason to do so. I ask the question and find out what I thought I didn’t want to know. The thing is that I didn’t get mad, not to say I didn’t care but it wasn’t a big deal. It was expected. What does that say? Does that mean I really don’t care for him? No it doesn’t. It means that I am so passed unnecessary drama.

If any man I am involved with doesn’t realize what they have with me, then they are crazy. It is their loss. I will not be pulled into a lot of unnecessary drama because people don’t know how to be adults. Relationships should be based on respect, honesty, and love. When you love someone you do your best not to hurt them and you respect them enough to keep your dirt away from them.

I have learned that dating in the mature world opens you up to different dilemmas. Rarely will you find a person who does not carry some past relationship baggage. Baby mamas, daddies, best friends, etc. How do you deal with a lingering ex who is always on the other end of the phone, always in the middle of you two? Do you ignore them? Do you make a big deal out of it? What do you do?

You have to be grounded in each other, in your love and know that no one can rock that. In order to do that it requires being honest and sometimes opening up the dialogue to include things that you normally would not discuss, like visiting your ex’s family.

Jealousy can kill love because a person can become so consumed with things that may not be true. But honesty can ward off some of the jealous thoughts. Most of the jealous thoughts I have are mostly when I don’t know what is going on. When the person is being secretive I begin to think something is happening that shouldn’t be. I don’t allow it to linger though because I know that what I give cannot be duplicated by another woman. Yes it may sound cocky but it’s true. I am who God made me to be. I don’t apologize for that.