I have been silent for a few weeks. I have been very busy. I am in transition right now. It started out kind of hard for me to adjust to because I don’t really want to be in this space right now. But God has a way making things happen. So here I am moving forward not really sure where I am going but at least I am moving.
My best friend said she wanted to be like me when she grew up because men fall in love with me. It all looks so glamorous from the outside, but she doesn’t know how much it costs me to have these connections, to be vulnerable for the benefit of someone else. To not be able to fulfill what I need and desire because my first priority is them and their purpose. To always love the difficult ones and focus on their heart rather than their flaws. Agape love is not easy, it hurts but it heals too.
I don’t know him, but I love him. How is that? How do you love the persona of someone, their words, their pictures, and their gestures? I have only seen glimpses of him on camera. The most physical interaction was him blowing me a kiss. He hides himself from the world, from me. He has talked to me on the phone a few times. Which I truly enjoy, but I want to see him. We have a soul connection. He told me that I am his best friend and that I know him better than most people, which is true. But still I often wonder what it would be like for us to connect physically.
But now I love another. Only this time it has progressed farther than agape love. I am in love with him. I am intimate with him physically. He touches a part of me that hasn’t had attention for many years. He makes me want to be his totally my mind, body and soul. He makes me want to be taken care of by him. It is different than the love I feel for my long distance friend. He has spoiled my body for him only since he touched me. I have not allowed anyone else to get that close. He occupies my mind the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing of at night.
Despite all of the men who love and want me, I go to bed alone every night. Now there is no need to be sad, because this is by choice. But I still have this emptiness inside me at times. But I know that can only be fulfilled by God. That space is reserved for him. This is the side she doesn’t get to see, when I cry at night because I am alone. It doesn’t happen often but sometimes it does creep up on me. Agape love requires that you love despite how you feel, despite what is done to you and despite whether it is returned. This is how God loves us and how he expects us to love each other. Now this is only one part of love, but it is a foundational love that should exist in all of your intimate relationships.
I never regret loving anyone even when they hurt or disappoint me. It is easy to get angry and say goodbye but harder to say I love you when you are in the midst of the disappointment. I had to do that many times. I am not dismissing my feelings of disappointment. I am simply deciding not to allow them to override the love in my heart. Love is a choice we make every day. I choose to love rather than be angry or sad.